Be the reason why you need two priests at your exorcism.
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My wife has gifted me a bath bomb that looks suspiciously like a toaster.
Avril: I want a divorce. You aren’t a sk8er boi. So see ya later boi.
Chad: This is how you remind me of what I really am?!
Twitter is like Michael Jackson’s nose, whenever they do something to it, it gets worse.
Showed my 5yo some videos of mimes and explained mimes never speak and now we’re playing mimes don’t ruin this for us.
i think if you need to murder someone you should do it at the beach because like you’re gonna have to shower after anyway.
*changes the spelling of ‘team’ to ‘teaim’*
Well that’s one problem everyone talks about fixed.
[First Date]
Her: I’m instantaneously attracted to men with power.Me: Nice. I just paid my electric bill.
Singing in the shower is all fun and games until you get shampoo in your mouth. Then it becomes a soap opera.
What’s it called when you wake up and have to delete 73% of your tweets from last night. Alcohol, it’s called alcohol.
This was a terrible day, I’m having live grenades for dinner.
Her: It wasn’t all bad. There were good times, right?
Me: Yeah my mom took me to Legoland once when I was 12.
Her: I meant good times with us.
Me: Oh lmao absolutely not.
Me: gentleman of this truck stop bathroom, please boo that kid for not washing his hands
All: BOOOO!
kid: I am telling mom
Installing home security cameras seemed like a great idea but explaining my dance offs with the dog was something I should’ve considered.
The problem with studying ancient Chinese art is I want some Mexican art a half an hour later.
I don’t tell many people this, but I have been known to carry a shiv.
Okay, it’s the underwire in my bra and the only one getting stabbed is me, but still.
Always amazed when I see people slip guns into the back of their pants. How is that comfortable? How do you not get a weapon wedgie?
Mini tater tots cause sometimes a full sized tot is just too much
Computer problems can be solved with duct tape if you apply it directly to the mouth of the person asking you to help fix their computer.
Oh! He barehanded that ball. Can you believe the athleticism?
– Baseball commentatorPfft. Amateur.
– Every parent who’s caught their kid’s barf in their hand
What jugglers do best
1. Juggle
2. Make people who can’t juggle feel bad for not being able to juggle
How to kiss:
1-open your mouth
2-wider
3-wider
4-unhinge jaw
5-summon the Dark Overlord
Leo: *names his child Oscar*
Doctor: “Would you like to hol-”
Leo: “Say it like we rehearsed it.”
Doctor: *sighs* “And the Oscar goes to…”
Listen. You call me a cunt and I’ll call you an ambulance.
Me: Can you hear me?
4: No.
Me: I need for you to pick up your legos, please.
4: But I can’t hear you.
Me: You can, you’re answering me.
4: (crying) No, I can’t!
Gaslighting is starting at a young age over here.
Golf is probably fun if you like walking around outside in business casual.
I put cucumbers, lemons, lime, and mint leaves in my water today thinking I was fancy…my one student gonna yell out and say “Ms. Luck got a salad in her water”
*students erupt in laughter*
[petting zoo]
ME: *still petting the penguin*
DANNY DEVITO: There’s other people in line, you know.
I’m lost & peeing on the side of the road in the middle of nowhere, just wish this bear who’s about to kill me gave me a little more privacy
2015. Worse than the death of paper is the death of staplers. Rest in peace you sexy plastic alligators.
i hate it when my ID card is accepted by people, you agree that i look like that horrible picture???