I bet no one’s had as many concussions as the guy who invented nunchucks.
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Me: got my fries just gonna open this packet of ketchup.
Ketchup Packet: haha nope.
Me: come on man please.
Ketchup Packet: use your teeth.
Me: uh what?
Ketchup Packet: use. your. teeth.
Me: ugh fine.
[ketchup explodes everywhere]
Ketchup Packet: lol.
my fridge has a screen so sometimes I get bored and photoshop myself to make it look like im in there
Someone tried to abduct me today by sloppily painting “taco truck” on the side of a windowless van.
There were no tacos in there. Please send help.
Asteroid: Hmm…who should I hit on?
Earth: [puts on sexy dress and a come hither smile]
A guy with a ponytail wearing mirrored sunglasses and camouflage pants just checked me out and winked at me. Still got it.
[cloudy weather]
simba: lot of dead dads out today
[bank holdup]
Bank teller: interesting choice in masks
Me: The box said it moisturizes and cleans the pores
I just tested negative for patience.
Fact: the lovable and cuddly panda bear is generally docile, but will shiv you for a can of Pringles.
*1st date*
[Be cool, just dont let her know youre a 1st generation PS3]
So where do y-
*internal cooling fan drowns out entire conversation*
My 4yo just told his fish that he “needs a little space.” Dude, just step away from the tank.
Easiest way to calm down a woman is to pat her on the head and say “It’s just your hormones”
“Men are pigs” – misandrist &/or world’s worst biologist
Me: “Oh no, it’s Scream!”
Ghostface: “It’s actually Ghostface.”
Me: {Being stabbed} “Scream, stop!”
You slid into my DM’s and now you mean to tell me you’re not gonna divorce your wife, uproot your life and leave your family FOR ME!? HOW DARE!
I miss the crypto guys with the laser eyes telling us to “have fun staying poor” — where did they all go?
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: …
Me: …
Kid: I just wanted to see you.[4:07 am]
I don’t like changing clocks twice a year. It gets expensive buying new clocks.
[trapped inside a volcano]
Me:
Toddler:
Me:
Toddler: Be Careful…
Me: *sigh*
Toddler: The floor is lava…
I put the hummingbird feeder by the other bird feeders so the hummingbirds are forced to learn some social skills.
Fun fact:
Wiping your nose on the person’s shoulder during a hug discourages future hugs.
Cool how most makeup tutorial videos are like: ok, first, start out already young and pretty with no makeup.
Her: are you single?
[flashback to 2011 where I tried to kiss a girl but she turned away and I kissed her cheek]
Me: haha idk
[tv, watching a gymnast eat it on the vault]
Me (tripped over a slipper in the dark once): I know exactly how she feels.
I visited my mother today. She thumped her dog on the nose for growling. My childhood makes a lot more sense now.
Some song titles sound better when you replace “girl” with “squirrel.”
Case in point: “Jessie’s Squirrel.”
I wish I loved anything as much as fitbit loves not giving me credit for all the steps I walked whilst looking for my lost fitbit.
Her: Do me on that counter
*Later in therapy*
Her: He tried to have sex with me on an abacus.
Well, well, well. Looks like I may have a lawsuit on my hands: a gynecologist refused to treat me, and I’m pretty sure it’s because I’m gay.