My whole life is like when you’re talking to someone and your gum falls out of your mouth.
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when im eating a salad and some leaf stems are sticking out of my mouth i feel like a brontosaurus
That plant looks good. Let’s eat the bit that stays in the dirt
– first person to cook a potato
The Chopped contestants open their ingredients box, each finding the head of a loved one. Two scream, the third is thinking “bourbon glaze”.
Things I dipped in Nutella this weekend:
Animal Crackers
Pretzels
Strawberries
finger
Feelings
Remember, you CAN have your cake and eat it too.
In fact, you can’t even eat a cake you don’t have.
I lost 6 hours of sleep last night, lying in bed wondering if Muppets get haircuts.
What I lack in drive, I more than make up for in drive-thru.
Sometimes words are just not enough
And for such occasions, I have this flamethrower
I think about wizards and dragons way more than a wizard of 3 small dragons should. Dammit I meant mother of 3 small dragons. Dammit I meant
Yesterday I said the words “clink the lick” instead of “click the link” because my mouth likes to prank me
*Flings your voodoo doll out into the snow*
You cold, bro?
I swear some people should be banned from cooking
ROBIN: You didn’t name everything in the bathroom after you, too, did you?
BATMAN: Of course not
ROBIN:
BATMAN: OK, yes, there’s batshampoo
ROBIN:
BATMAN: But there’s also conditioner gordon
Is it true animals can sense danger? The cat’s been wearing a helmet all week and it makes me nervous.
I think we figured out which one was Destiny’s child.
It never fricken fails; I wash my car, and the very next day, I hit a pedestrian.
Change is always hard….
Especially when a jar of it falls on your head.
ME:[defending myself] Oh yeah?? Well I got 5 words for you buddy: please be nice to me
My teenagers are watching Jaws for the first time and laughing.
LAUGHING.
When I saw Jaws for the first time I didn’t even go swimming in a pool for 3 years.
How does one “schmooze”, and what is it? It sounds like tissue paper may be necessary
This EpiPen doesn’t write for shit. I’m not sure why this guy that handed me it needs it. He’s just flailing around grabbing his neck.
WIFE: *holding pregnancy test* well this is unexpected
ME: *rubbing wife’s tummy* can we discuss a different name?
Seven years ago THIS was all we had to worry about.
Was my family happy about the new “no phones at the dinner table” rule? No. But did we have some great conversations as a result? Also no.
I only accept chocolate chip cookie bribes, THE SOFT ONES CHRISTY, NOT THE GARBAGE YOU GAVE ME.
Wanna buy something but can’t find it online?
Just text someone about it! Instagram will show you ads the next minute.
Problem solved.
Boss: You were gone 7 hours to smoke?
Me: Well yeah. It was a brisket.
WAP on, WAP off
-Cardi Biyagi
the greatest twitter interaction
Everyone’s got that one neighbor they’d love..
To shoot for mowing his damn grass at 7 AM.