Doctor: we saved your dad but he’s part owl now
Son: Dad it’s me
Dad: *head turned 180°* who
Son: very funny
Doctor: yeah he has amnesia too
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I think I may have screwed up. When I saw on here how the ladies liked the dad bod I went and got 3.
Daughter announced there will be rain for Thanksgiving. We usually have turkey but with her cooking skills rain will taste better.
*has elbow pain*
*checks WebMD*
*buys a burial plot*
Therapist: Would you use alcohol, food and sex as a means of feeling happy?
Me: Yes, thanks.
Nobody:
Baby Carrot Factory Foreman: “Carrots are nice, but how about we pour a cup of water into each bag too?”
Kids…you can be happy about it being the last day of school, but you’ll never be as happy as the teachers.
Sometimes I’m right.
Other times my wife is close enough to hear what I’m saying.
Saw a homeless white girl begging for money. I didn’t give her any, because I know how they are, always blowing it on Starbucks.
ME: how old is your son?
WOMAN WHO STILL CAN’T ACCEPT THAT HER BABY HAS GROWN UP AND MOVED OUT: 288 months
Clerk: How old are you, sweetie?
9: I’m 9. I’m going to be in 4th grade and I want to be a lawyer.
Me: *beaming with pride*
Clerk: Wow, you must be bright!
9: *looks at her outfit* No, I’m just wearing gray.
Me: *face palm*
Who’s up for joining me for some couples counseling just to see how long it takes until the therapist realizes we don’t even know each other?
i know an apple a day keeps the doctor away but what can i do about the rest of these people?
My ex left because I “lack imagination”.
“Yeah? Well you lack imagination!”, I shouted after her.
*takes out one earbud*
“not guilty, your honor”
“I make everything sad, but I’ll class your shit up.” – Violins
Last night, I took a sip of water and a spider crawled on my lip! I no longer drink water, have lips or live here.
*makes New Year’s resolution to drink more water*
*starts adding ice to my wine*
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.
[When I offer my kid a new food]
Kid: I don’t like it!
Me: How will you know you don’t like it if you don’t try it?[When my kid is interested in the pint of ice cream I just bought myself]
Kid: What’s pistachio?
Me: YOU WOULDN’T LIKE IT
[1st day as a detective]
me: a vampire did it
partner: sorry?
me: no garlic here, means the victim couldn’t defend himself from a vampire
partner: what? that’s not how u investig- ok, there’s no raid either, so what, does that mean-
me: hmm ur right, it could have been ants
When I’m drinking I wake up after a party, sore, going “what stupid things did I say?” When I’m not drinking I wake up after a party, sore, knowing exactly what stupid things I said.
“All you have left is your king and one knight,” sneers my grandmaster chess opponent. Suddenly a little hatch opens in my knight and thousands of tiny Greek soldiers swarm out.
According to my laptop, my New Year’s resolution is 1680 x 1050.
me: hey have you seen the dog bowl?
him: no but I did see him play checkers
“I have no porpoise!” -existential marine biologist.
“Great minds think alike”
So do stupid minds
I bet when you invited me to Thanksgiving dinner you didn’t think I’d stay this long.
My buddy telling me to invest in crypto I’m like dude I haven’t even figured out regular money yet
[Fairground]
Son: Daddy can I have a balloon?
Me: If you’re good.
Son: Good at what?
Me: Buying your own balloons
An opossum is just a regular possum that reenacts the diner scene from When Harry Met Sally.