The D word that everyone’s been feeling at work is depression. I guessed the wrong word, apparently.
Aaaaand there’s HR calling me. Brb.
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The year is 2054. My son sits down for his documentary.
Reporter: So what would you say led to your impressive and horrifying killing spree?
Him: Well I think it all began when I was six and my mom threw out my collection of kazoos I’d made from toilet paper rolls
I would be a bad fish.
Fishermen would be like, “omg i’m so ugly” and I’d take the bait and disagree, instead of swimming away.
Co-workers. Because why should all your headaches come from family members.
hey sorry i just saw this text u sent last month even though my phone is in my hand all day long including when i sleep
The title of my autobiography is going to be ‘You’d Think I’d Learn By Now, But Nope.’
Mall security asked me to empty my pockets.
My response was “you won’t find a better job or respect in my pockets”
I may be angry on the outside, but inside me beats a heart of stone…
[i see a hot girl walking her dog]
me: hi, can i ask you a question?
her: hi, uh, sure
me: i was talking to your dog
her: oh haha ok
me: *crouches down* hey buddy, your owner is hot, can you put in a good word for me
Swapping all the oxygen tanks with helium at the nursing home today.
Once they’re all floating I’ll walk in dressed like a ghost buster and save the day
Diet tip:
Your pants will not get too tight if you do not wear any.
If I had to give up one of my senses what would I pick? My sense of impending doom, I guess.
Someone just asked my son what other type of fish do you like then?
He replied….chicken.
Thank god he is good looking.
“I love you. I’d do anything for you.”
-let me see your phone real quick
“You’re smothering me. I need some space”
Biker gang: Well, well, well. Would you look at this fancy boy.
Me: Don’t push me.
Biker gang: Oh yeah? What are you gonna do about it?
Me: *removes bonnet* I said, don’t push me.
Lead me not into temptation. Take my hand and I’ll show you a shortcut.
If I ever have to have open heart surgery I hope my fridge busts in and stares into open me for ten minutes hoping to see something good
Sugar Daddy is just slang for high-fructose cornfather.
“The other day” -me talking about something that happened 27 years ago
MS Office huh? So is there a *Mr* Office?
It’s hilarious to me when people say “give it the old college try”. Nowhere on earth did I try less.
Housing rates are so insane that it’s even hard to find an affordable place on Elm Street these days
in 2nd grade we had to draw what we wanted to be when we grew up and i just drew myself with sunglasses on
Today my 6yo said it was good it’s snowing, as that means the earth isn’t getting hotter, and tonight she starts as an anchor on Fox News.
corn maze employee: you can’t smoke in here
me: [flicking lighter] stand back, i’m popping my way out
I really wanna press it again cuz this funeral is super boring but I think the widow is starting to get ticked off.
Policeman: Name please?
Woman: Cheryl Cole
Policeman: Your FULL name
Woman: (quietly) Chernobyl Coleslaw
angel: sir, we’ve invented daylight
God: it’s so harsh, you can see every little imperfection. How do you expect people to procreate?
angel: we also invented tequila
I just went to the shops intending to buy fruit and vegetables and because I was wearing a mask my glasses steamed up and I couldn’t see properly and I ended up buying 6 boxes of doughnuts and I have no idea how that happened
I just heard someone refer to Texas as “Howdy Arabia” and I still haven’t stopped laughing.