After he passed, we wanted to honor Uncle Jim’s lifelong passion for recycling. Trust me, this is far less disturbing than the coat hooks at Bill’s house, or that thing in Aunt Janet’s nightstand.
You Might Also Like
This took me a second..
My husband Scott and I don’t have much of a sex life anymore. I’ve been getting off Scott free for years
A tragic kissout between police and suspects leaves over 15 innocent bystanders believing in love again
I’m on the “Whole Thing” diet. Didn’t eat the whole thing? Boom. Diet.
I rarely follow anyone blindly on twitter..
1. I read your bio
2. I enlarge your avi
3. I read a few of your tweets
4. I look thru your photos
5. I Google you
6. I drive by your house
7. I make my decision
me: [crying] it came outta nowhere
tour guide: a spider?
me: biggest teeth I’ve ever seen
guide: [panicking] omg a snake?
me: razor-sharp claws
guide: wait… a koala?! so why are you crying?
me: [wiping tears] such a nice cuddle
At some point, you’d think there’d be a governmental inquiry into the excessively high escape rate of Gotham City’s penitentiaries.
*pulls away from kissing, stares intently into his eyes
Your eyes are like pools of melted chocolate
Him: U started your diet, didn’t u
*Googles: pet raccoons
“Raccoons are wild animals. Keeping raccoons is ILLEGAL in…”
*scrolls
“What to Expect From Your Pet Raccoon!”
*clicks
Why don’t people who are good at tarot cards just switch to blackjack?
When I was younger, I was so stupid,
I made bad decisions that will haunt
me for the rest of my life.And by “younger” I mean yesterday.
Me: I’m late, I’m late for a very important date!
Date: 🙂
Fig: 🙁
Prune: bro, lol
“Post Malone” is British for “mail my mortgage payment.”
Been trying to pair my new phone with the Bluetooth in the car and I think it’s easier to get pandas to mate.
I wanted to kill myself by drinking 100 beers, but when I finished my second one, I felt much better.
Housekeeping: Ma’am, would you like me to turn down your bed?
Me: Yes, thank you. Would you mind turning down my husband for me as well?
AROMATHERAPY CONUNDRUM:
Spilling a large bucket of Lavender oil all over your carpet: Very stressful, or very relaxing? #retweet #grief
I’m at that age where I can’t simply pick something up, I need to first knock it over and then pick it up.
For fun I like to stir up facebook by just posting, “The funeral will be this Friday”
It’s weird that ‘coward’ doesn’t mean
“towards a cow”.*sips wine*
mike tyson’s full name is mike thank you son
[meeting with financial advisor] ok so how does money work
A newly wed guy asked me about marriage. I told him it’s sort of like a museum. You have to be quiet and you can’t really touch anything.
Whoever decided Halloween and daylight saving should happen in the same week should lose their calendar-setting privileges
*eats a crab apple*
*watches all crabs with medical degrees scatter*
Dentist: Have you been flossing?
Attorney: *covers mic* You don’t have to answer that
[God making peaches]
ANGEL: we already have nectarines
GOD: [taking bong rip] lmao, put hair on them
ANGEL: what
GOD: what
War & Peace
[Shopping]
Him: Those cans aren’t dented, right? I don’t want botulism.
Me: Don’t worry. The arsenic I put in your food will balance it out.
haha remember when you were a kid you’d hide inside the clothes racks at stores. can’t do that as an adult. someone’s stupid kid is in there