Pirate union rep: what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
Pirate: More parity!
Pirate union rep: [squawking] what would you like to see in terms of pirate rights?
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I saw my lawyer at the grocery store but I didn’t speak to him because I didn’t have $300 on me.
Some of your tweets really strike a chord with me; I hope off-key and quite flat is what you were aiming for.
ME: I wish for a third dog to pet.
GENIE: you’re seriously wasting these wishes-
ME: I DON’T REMEMBER WISHING FOR YOUR OPINION
12yo: imagine if cargo shorts existed as pants…
Me: they do, they’re called cargo pants
12yo: WHAT
*watching husband sleep*
Me: “I just love him so much, he’s my everyth-”
*husband snores*
Me: “I can’t live like this.”
aragorn: you have my sword
legolas: and my bow
gimli: and my axe
WHO: omg please stop sharing your stuff
[classroom]
Nietzsche: whoever fights monsters should see to it that he does not become a monster. Any questions?Me: [googling how to fight a dragon] I have a few
Still laughing at this stupid meme
Indians will wait 25 years to have sex but not 25 seconds for the traffic signal to turn green.
Yes I have strong principles, no they do not guide my behavior in any way. And that’s Valid.
[at job interview]
It says here that you are very hands on.
Yes, sir, I am.
Can you give me an example of this?
*gently caresses his face*
Boss: you can’t keep making up new words to try to make yourself sound smarter
Me: I think you’ve intangulated your rememberies to make this seem dramastically worse than it is
Boss: …
Your baby might be adorable, but so is my cat and she cleans her own butt.
PaY fIVe MiLlIoN nOw AnD tHe DoG dOeSn’T gEt SmAsHeD
Signed: nOt The cAt
ADHD is being excited to have a looming deadline because it means it’s actually going to be easy to start your work today.
“Girl, are you a tree? cause-”
“no i’m not a tree”
“..cause i want-”
“why are you still talking i’m not a tree”
“.. i want t-”
“not a tree”
nurse: height
me: 6’4″
nurse: weight
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me:
nurse:
me: wait for what
date: i like a guy who’s strong-
me: i can bench 130 lbs
date: enough to tell the truth
me: on the moon
I’d say I’m an agreeable person, but if you tell me a clothing item is “out of style” I will only wear it more.
Mans got denied a plate and walked off. 😂😂😂
In a dispute with my neighbour, I dumped a wash basin on his front lawn. If he thinks I’m apologising, he’s got another sink coming.
I call all dogs ‘puppies’, regardless of age. They like it.
I may be a chaotic mess, but then so is quantum physics.
Getting my drone stuck in the tree isn’t the worst thing that happened to me today.
But it’s definitely up there.
the UK fascinates me because what sort of place can’t commit to a Prime Minister for three months but remains committed to the idea that fried blood sausage is an acceptable breakfast item for 600 years
My husband got some virtual reality goggles for christmas and so far I like them because they make him very vulnerable to attack.
Me: Come on eat that.
Miss 10: I don’t want it, it makes me want to throw up.
[Sees my face].
10: In a good way.
“Nom nom nom”
– annoying people that apparently don’t understand how to chew food
Great, iTunes terms and conditions has changed and my attorney is on vacation. Just perfect.
In school I was voted moist likely to have the worst typos.