It sucks when you’re stuck in traffic behind a truck so you have no idea what’s going on down the road. For all you know Godzilla is melting cars a block ahead.
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me: i’m sad about this thing
therapist: but it’s not about that thing
me: ok thx here’s $175
I killed a girl who posted too many selfies.I think i can claim selfie-defence.
ME: *holding 6 puppies* YOU TOLD ME YOU WANTED TO ADOPT!
SPOUSE: Children. I want to adopt CHILDREN.
ME: *defensive* They are our children.
[universe where we use wormholes to deliver food]
*a potato flies thru the wormhole and hits my son Blent in the face*
Me: stay sharp Blent
“All I want is one nice photo”
My kids:
Sorry I got discombobulated.
I’m rebobulated now.
me: what do u mean my friend cant come in
bouncer: theres no way hes 21
me: but-
stuart little: dude its fine lets just go
when you don’t want to be too vague
I cleaned off the top of my desk so I’d feel like I accomplished something. Now I just have to clean up the floor where I threw everything.
If dogs ever learn to talk I want everyone to keep in mind that mine is a big fat liar.
MY BODY: You should exercise
ME: That sounds good
MY BODY: Because it’s heathy
ME: Yeah!
MY BODY: And makes you feel good
ME: Definitely!
MY BODY: Let’s go exercise!
ME: I’m lost
Superman could have become a doctor, using his x-ray vision to detect life threatening tumors. But no, we really needed another journalist.
“Please make people stop believing things without any evidence,” I whisper to the invisible magic man in the sky
Detective: Where were you at 8:30 p.m. on. . .
Me: Twitter
Has anyone actually seen a dog eat homework?
I didn’t get far in Mario. I thought the guy floating on the cloud was God so I just accepted it when he threw shit at me
so proud of america. only 8 years after electing first black pres, we’re considering electing our first orange one
“This is beyond the scope of the project” —me after I haven’t understood how to do something
I’m not saying my husband and I are scared of our 3yo, but we just did Rock Paper Scissors to determine who was going to take the baseball bat away from him.
My 5/o just said “That’s Classic!!” WTF is classic to a 5 y/o? Blues Clues??
when the moon is out in the middle of the day it’s like oh no they called you in on your day off
I love greens, but not in a sexual way
Platonic salads, so to speak
When I hear my kids try to insult each other with “yo momma” jokes, I end up yelling how I’m not fat or stupid.
Me *checking restaurant bill* we’ll split this
Her: What, really?
Me: It’s fairer
Her: But I didn’t have wine
Me: You had dessert though
Her: I am 6 years old
Me: Get your money out
My daughter asked me to play Highway to Hell by AC/DC because I was driving them to school. Parenting win I guess.
To keep yourself healthy you should get 8 hours of sleep a day.
To keep the planet healthy you should get 24.
Algorithms aren’t omniscient, they’re more like aunties buying presents. “I saw you like rugby. Surely you must play golf, they’re both sports!” “You live in Paris. Would you be interested in traffic updates from Cincinnati, because they’re both cities?”
For only £3 a month you can adopt an economy passenger. Help us stop the brutal and inhumane way we treat them by donating today. You’ll receive a framed picture of your very own economy passenger and regular updates as to where their luggage might be. Thank you
It’s just like my grandma used to tell me, never teach a monkey martial arts
I am looking forward to 6pm Thanksgiving Day when Walmart opens its doors for its annual sale of trampled human corpses.