I’m totally fine with everyone leaving the country if Trump wins or if Hillary wins. I need more space
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“I was so high one time, I stopped at a stop sign for 20 minutes waiting for it to turn green.”
Every year tigers kill 150 people: it’s like they’re not even trying; there are billions of us
If you find your cat reading a book titled “To Serve Man,” I’m just going to warn you right now, those are recipes. Cats aren’t servants.
Wife: I just heard something downstairs.
Me: It’s just the wind.
Wife: Go and see.
Me: You can’t see wind, Claire.
Have you spent any of your daylight savings yet?
At a restaurant I thought a family was praying at the table but then I realized they were all texting.
Me: *trying to hock a loogie*
Pawn shop owner: I’m not giving you any money for that.
yeah I’m excited for Dune 2
dune 2 others as you would have them dune 2 you
It doesn’t necessarily absolutely have to be Halloween to grab a bag and go to your neighbours to ask for candy, right? Back me up on this, gang
This is hilarious….
*puts wine in cart*
*crosses “wine” off the list my wife gave me*
*puts more wine in cart*
*crosses “more wine” off the list my wife gave me*
I like to think my wife’s friends stare at me because I’m hot but it’s probably because they have never seen a potato salad sandwich before.
I hate it when I’m at work and someone asks “are you at free at the moment?”. Please expand further so I can know if I’m free or not.
Receptionist: Psychiatric Unit, can I help you?
Me: Yes, I’d like to make a reservation…
[my first day as a financial investor]
“I’m going all in on this Acme Corporation. Anybody want a piece?”
Stuck behind a guy with 13 items in the express lane and my avocados have already gone bad.
Renovated the kids bathroom and installed a bathroom ventilation fan with a Bluetooth speaker. Now I just need to find the perfect creepy audio of a ghost screeching “Get Out!” for when they take too long in the shower.
ME: I really love motorsport.
DATE: Do you like F1?
ME: I like all the function keys.
[my daughter asks for her 2nd apple of the day] oh look it’s the apple monster *fun growl sounds*
DAUGHTER: daddy does God ever go hunting
I sure hope the family likes these Slim Jim burritos.
Nobody mentions the strain your marriage experiences when your spouse starts experimenting with turtle necks.
God: NOAH.
Noah: Yes Lord?
God: Where are the land sharks, flying spiders and the jumping snakes?
Noah: Oh nooooo, did I forget those?
[creation of kangaroo]
God: give that bouncy dog a fanny pack
Angel: *hands bouncy dog a fanny pack*
God: no no like build it into its stomach hahaha
Angel: again with this shit
Take your glasses off. Hold them up to a light to see if they’re dirty. Now try to do it with your mouth closed.
DATE: I want to date someone that is really into nature
MY BRAIN: say you like hiking
MY MOUTH: I’m planning to go off the grid & move into the mountains to become a forest troll soon
Sometimes I treat my depression, but other times we go dutch.
Wife: We should go camping
Me: Yay
*waits til wife is gone to tell kids the Blair Witch Project plot. Camping trip turns into visit to NYC*
Him: I like you.
Me: *starts game timer*
A local man died after a shelf full of routers fell on him.
It was an unexpected LAN slide.
my name if I was in the mob