“What do you do for a living?”
“I read. I travel. I love. I laugh.”
“No. How do you earn your bread?”
“Oh I work. But that’s not living.”
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I think a Muppet should host the presidential debates
These racing car drivers are making a lot of pit stops.
You’d think they would have went before the race.
My husband let the batteries die in all the security cameras because he didn’t like seeing his bald spot at a better angle.
Telling everyone “great costume” whether or not they’re wearing one.
My husband and I are having a serious fight.
Do you think I should let him know about it?
COP: You seen an escaped evil octopus?
ME: No
COP: [looks up] Nice chandelier
ME: Thanks
COP: Why is it wet?
ME: Um
COP: And holding 8 guns?
Years ago after much testing and pearl clenching, a library I worked for purchased chairs that were designed to discourage snoozing. Within 15 minutes of the day they arrived, someone fell asleep in one. Wish I had saved the photo.
If you think Pi is 3142, then you’re missing the point.
[Commercial for commercials]
ever wish it took an hour to watch a 40-minute show?
As I was going through my wallet for a second I thought I got robbed… And then I remembered I got gas.
I’m going to remember this night forever!!!
Tequila – You sure about that?
I’ve never wrestled an alligator but I have retrieved something from my toddler’s mouth.
A few years ago I started texting joke ideas to myself and after a few months I found out I’d typed my own number wrong when I got a text back that “please stop doing this”
A stranger on the internet told me I probably have better things to do than spend time on Twitter.
It’s like he doesn’t even know me at all.
APOLLO: I’ll be god of the sun
HERMES: OK I’ll take light-
A: I’m also light
ARTEMIS: I’ll take music
A: No I’m also music. That’s me too
I didn’t think I was high until I realized I was watching bowling
I’VE GOT GOATLIKE SPEED & REFLEXES
“Don’t you mean catlike-”
BAAAH [Climbs on top of roof and begins eating shingles]
Old enough to remember when infectious laughter had a positive connotation
I can count on my hook how many hands I’ve lost.
11: Why are cars delivered by ships called cargo but in a car it’s called a shipment?
Me: no more YouTube before bed.
Saw Little Women. Totally misleading title. They stayed normal-sized the whole time. 2 stars.
I miss my public school gang. We all had leather jackets and rode our bmx’s around town looking for other gangs to fight before it got dark out.
Most of the time we ended up just getting more friends from it.
Whoever named He-Man was doing the very least
Doctor: The tests came back. They don’t look good.
The tests: ok wow this is the kind of attitude that made us leave in the first place
Doctor: Where it says “health conditions” on the form you wrote “confusion.” I don’t understand.
Me: So you have it too?
Anonymous just switched everyone in Isis from Amazon Prime shipping to basic shipping. Good luck getting Fallout 4 by Christmas terrorists!
I have a three year old, a one year old, and a dog, and when I discover that someone chewed up my magazine and peed on the rug the dog is never my primary suspect.
Since joining twitter I’ve started 2 new collections ………. Dust and cobwebs !
Person: How are you going to get over this curb?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I don’t know. This curb and I have been through a lot together.