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The best part about being thirty is that I’m finally old enough to play a high schooler in movies.
-If I’m wearing matching bra and undies, I better get more than a cuddle.
McDonald’s worker: Another bad date huh? Have some free fries…
I want to be the reason you look at your phone and smile while walking and then hit your head on a pole and faint. 🤪😂
[scale says I’ve gained 5 pounds]
Me: It’s probably just what I’m wearing.
Wife: You’re naked.
Me:
Wife:
Me: It’s a heavy deodorant.
[at the mall]
Me: i need to get upstairs right awaySecurity Guard: take the escalator
Me: *grabs him by the collar* i need the esca NOW
[lying voice] oh my god sorry i JUST saw this
Rum: We’ve replaced her depth perception with fun house mirrors, now we wait.
*misses last two stairs, face plants*
Rum: tee-hee
They should really have disposable razors in the women’s bathrooms at bars.
Part of me says, “I can’t keep drinking like this.” While another says “Don’t listen to her, she’s drunk.”
If you ever get hit by a car, try to spin like a ballerina. You won’t get another chance like this.
I really wanna cuddle a great big bear but the biggest shame is that I’ll probably only get to do it the once.
Was it that frightening to gift newlyweds a ceramic cast of my fist?
[God making humans]
*watches YouTube video*
“Okay, got it!”
I wish all tests were things you peed on
The date was going great until she spooked me and then I squirted her with ink and quickly swam away
My Uber driver is acting weird. He is wearing a mask and making me ride in the trunk. 1 star.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
*Does one sit-up. Whispers to self.
“That’ll do pig. That’ll do.”
When you send food back to the kitchen, you’re basically saying,
“Can you have the chef rub his genitals on this please.”
My daughter said my stomach looks like sad oatmeal and now she’s signed up for summer school
Pride of lions? Murder of crows? They got nothin’ on a craze of kids.
Me: A psychiatrist? That’s silly. There’s no such thing as “too obsessed with bagels.”
Her: Says who?
Me: Sesame
[fancy restaurant]
me: isn’t this dim lighting so romantic?
moth date: [shrugs]
While it’s true that gay marriage doesn’t nullify straight marriage, if Beyoncé was born on your birthday it’s not your birthday anymore.
Thanks for doing that thing that makes me feel like an idiot.
~Me to me
Therapist: Maybe you could try to be a little less hostile.
Me: Maybe you could stick a butter knife in a light socket.
How can we make people tell the truth?
“Lets make them put one hand on a book & the other on their chest. That’ll scare the shit out of em”
me: ok so it’s a movie about a scientist who builds a zoo that contains prehistoric horses with long necks..
movie exec: i’m not sure that..
me: ..we’ll call it Giraffic Park
movie exec: ok first of all, i love it..
Kidnapper: Pay up or I’ll leak your nudes
Me: So what?
K: Then I’ll tweet your drafts
M: Ok don’t do anything crazy we can work this out