[On phone with circus]
Hannibal: “I’m wanna ask about the job”
Ringmaster: “OK. So we just fire you into a net. Then you stand up, wave. That’s it”
Hannibal: “When do I eat the human flesh?”
Ringmaster: “Uh? Are we talking about the Human Cannonball job?”
Hannibal: *hangs up
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me: 11 can you come here
11: am i in trouble?
me: …no…but…should you be?
11: no.
me: sus.
If I were a professional soccer player, I would simply pick up the ball. My opponents’ kicks would be useless as I held the ball high above my head. They would beg me to release it but I would not relent. Then, just as time expires, I would throw it into the net, sealing victory.
SON: Hey Dad, how come we never put a star on top of our Christmas tree?
T-REX: Just because okay
“you are strong. you are smart,” i whisper to myself as i struggle to figure out whether to push or pull on a door
You can’t run a country like a business. If you did, you’d have to pay profits to investors, meaning citizens. And that’s socialism! Bye!
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
Me: I just played the “poop in a bag” trick on our neighbor
Wife: Haha! Where’d you find the dog poop?
Me: …dog?
WEBMD: Enter symptoms
Me: cold chills, squishy brain, stinging skin
WEBMD: You are a jellyfish
Wanted:
1 Psychic.You know who you are.
The cake is mightier than the sword.
Facebook: Do you know this person?
Me: Yes!
Facebook: Do you want to connect?
Me: Absolutely not.
This impeachment is taking forever. I told you we should’ve bought impeachment pro. Now we have to watch all of these ads.
The biggest joke of Spongebob is that he can work in a fast food restaurant and still afford to buy a house.
The problem with millennials is they were taught to look up to Pokemon not *struggles to think of a thing old people respect* Mussolini
Educated Twitter about to come and differentiate for us between an earthquake and tremor.
We don’t care…as long as there is shaking.
Guy- What’s your sign?
Me- Stop
Oh wow. It’s so big. Size really does matter. I love it so much.
~my new handbag
THERAPIST: You need to find yourself
WALDO: ah crap
My wife said she’d leave me if I didn’t stop using terrible similes, but like a horse scuba diving, I couldn’t stop.
TV: Are you prepared for an earthquake?
*thinks about the 175 Hot Pockets in the freezer*
Me: Yes.
When the Eagles wrote the lyric “We are all just prisoners here, of our own device,” they weren’t kidding.
Posted from my iPhone
Life advice:
1.Never be afraid to say what’s on your mind
2.Never be afraid to do what’s on your mind
3.Don’t take life advice on Twitter
What I like about greyhounds is that they look like they evolved specifically to fit their snoots into tall and narrow pickle jars.
Interviewer: Where do you see yourself in 5 years?
Me: I think we’ll all still be using mirrors, five years isn’t that far off
Sitting with 7 y/o in garden. “Let’s go outside” he says. He appears to be referring to a dimension I cannot see.
An unboxing video but it’s the toys my kid buried under her bed and forgot she had…
Things I learnt from Avatar:
– Kill Smurfs while they’re still young.
Me: You didn’t specify whether you meant “parallel” according to the rules of Euclidean geometry or hyperbolic geometry.
Driving instructor: My bad. Now see if you can back out of this person’s living room.
I keep my wine glasses on the top shelf to make sure I stretch daily.