[gestures to the parents of a crying baby] shhhh, please. my foot’s asleep
You Might Also Like
Is it normal for a cat to get smarter? When Max was a kitten he was really dumb but now he reads at an 8th grade level
Today is the day I go back to the gym.
Tomorrow is when I stop telling lies.
Kid: Are you going to keep using weird Easter words today?
Me: Eggs-actly.
Kid: Stop!
Me: Egg-cellent idea.
Kid: Not another peep!
Me: Nice.
Just accidentally flashed my gay neighbor. He’s not gay anymore.
HAHAHAHAHA!
Just kidding. He totally threw up.
Before carbs: Hates everyone
After carbs: Hates everyone but is fat
I like to be called a MILF because it’s better than being called a MILTMALIAD. (Mother I’d like to murder and leave in a ditch.)
She said she was a cat person…
…but the way she reacted when I pushed her off the bed told a very different story.
i bet the first guy to say “smooth as a babies bottom” wasnt the most respected man in the community
Husband: so you know it’s ok to admit that you’re wrong sometimes.
Me: I’m not saying I’m wrong but I could have been more right.
Waitress: any questions about the menu?
Me: why isn’t a burger a sandwich?
When someone my age uses the word “harvest” there’s a 50/50 chance it’s a reference to either body parts or tomatoes.
Anyone: what’s your favorite color?
Me: cheese
Me: *curling my hair*
Olympic committee: That’s impressive, but not exactly what we are looking for.
Me: Why is the dog staring at the floor?
Wife: I’m baking cookies and she’s waiting for one to drop so she can eat it.
Me: [also now staring at the floor]
I’d be a horrible stalker.. I’m always late
Noah: A boat?
God: Yes.
Noah: Two of every animal?
God: Yes.
Noah: I have a better idea.
God: What.
Noah: Maybe don’t kill everyone.
Dinosaurs, consider yourselves avenged
Going to a wedding this weekend. Can’t decide if I want to sit on the bride’s side or groom’s side because that’s basically choosing who I will represent in their future divorce. No pressure.
My friend’s newborn is staring at me with the disdainful contempt of someone who has know me for at least a few weeks longer
Whoa. Wait a minute.
So those stick figures on your car aren’t for pedestrians you ran over?
Damn it!
*starts scraping off her stickers*
Thinking about Jeff
Thank God all of Texas can un-pucker again while they sleep.
March 16
I always wondered if the distinct piss smell that Burger King is known for is authentic or if it’s just a spray they use.
peasant 1: okay. So. tithes. blighted or knighted bro?
peasant 2: blighted bro be fr.
peasant 1: right right. next one. Fair maidens?
peasant 2: kniiiiiighted bro hahahaha
peasant 1: yesss bro hahaha
Traveled back to 1918 and accidentally called it World War One.
All I’m saying is if you don’t want me to walk into the women’s restroom put words not pictures on the doors…
The filling in fortune cookies tastes like paper..
My mom took a picture of me in 1983 using a camera with a flashcube and the light in my eyes just stopped flashing.
ME: I can’t come in to work. My grandma died
BOSS: your grandma has died 4 times this year
ME: yeah she’s a cat