Sometimes I think I have indigestion and gas but then I remember that Jesus lives inside us all.
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this brownie is so moist
“ugh i hate that word”
okay [opens thesaurus] this brownie is totally soaked. i love to eat damp and soggy brownies
Avocados were 5 for $2 so anyway that’s how I ended up paying $2 to eat one avocado
ME: What does synonym mean?
MY MOM: It’s another word for something[Later on date]
ME: You wanna get synonym from the dessert menu, Sharon?
[ interview at a 24 hour diner ]
boss: can you cook nights
a dragon: yes
I might consider rejoining the Catholic church if the Pope knew karate. Otherwise forget it.
Friend, cradling a baby: I just love the smell of babies!
Me: Yes, delicious.*friend frowns; I discretely check my Conversational Human guide*
Me: Yes, “nice.”
“I’d totally have sex with that guy if he just roared his engine louder!”
-nobody
You never really forget how to misquote sayings. It’s like buying a bicycle
Her:”my blinkers don’t work I think I’m out of blinker fluid”
Me:”your car doesn’t have blinker fluid.”
Her:”I JUST SAID THAT PAY ATTENTION”
I hate when you’re having sex and you accidentally yell out the wrong Ninja turtle
[ocean’s 11 music]
So here’s the plan,we iron me flat, then slide me into an ATM via the card slot. Once inside, it’s a cash playground boys
ME: Hi mirror
BEDROOM MIRROR: Hello you flawless hunk
ME: Hi mirror
BATHROOM MIRROR: well if it isn’t the hideous troll of Blemishville
If a recipe calls for watermelon and you can’t find one you can substitute two hydrogenmelons and an oxygenmelon and nobody will know
Kids, in my day we didn’t have text messaging. We had to write a “Do you like me? Yes or no?” note and pass it through 17 mutual friends.
It may be autocorrect, but I’m excited to see how this plays out when I drive my friend to pickup her satan wedding dress.
Professor: There are no stupid questions
Me: What happens if you stab someone with a healing crystal?
Professor: There is one stupid question
Candlesticks, for when you want to be stylish but also might need a murder weapon.
My daughter insisted she wanted a snowball fight in the dark so we waited till the sun set, got our torches out and ran around laughing and freezing in the garden. When I asked her if she’d had fun, she looked me in the eyes and said “no mummy, it was dark”
Welcome to your 40s.
Add ‘gravity’ to your list of enemies.
ALIEN: What is “January”?
ME: That’s a month… named after a god
ALIEN: Ah, so August is a god
ME: Actually, he was a Roman
ALIEN: Ah, so October is a Roman
ME: Actually, that named after a number
ALIEN: Ah, the 10th month so 10
ME: Actually, 8
ALIEN: Ok this is bullshit
My 8yo isn’t concerned about Covid-19 because she can, as she puts it:
Survive in harsh conditions.
She’s never even been been camping.
Remember, it’s not a real paleo diet unless you’re eating mammoth every day.
ATTRACTIVE WOMAN: What time is it?
ME: Haha. Yeah definitely
The restaurant scene from When Harry Met Sally, but just me getting a pat down from airport security.
Someone’s 26 year old son: hey I love older women, older women are amazing I love that you’re older
Me: turns directly to dust
I love salad! Just wish it had the taste & texture of pizza.
My 3 year old wants 3 cookies because he’s 3. So I’m having 36.
“Said no one ever.” -Said everyone on Twitter.
I don’t always drink iced coffee, but when I do, it’s because my kids prevented me from drinking it hot so I gave up and added some ice.
How many apples a day does it take to keep everybody else away