Cop: why were you speeding
Me: Out of POLITENESS to the car behind me
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Interviewer: Your CV is a flip book of you setting things on fire.
Me: Wrong. If you flip the pages the other way I’m putting the fires out.
I’m convinced when squirrels run the road, nearly missing your car, it must be some kind of squirrel gang initiation.
Daughter: This is a long movie preview.
Me: You’re a long movie preview. I’ve been raising you 17 years and still no movie.
“So You Were Trying to Be Polite But Now He Wants to Wear Your Skin As Pajamas: A Woman’s Guide to the Internet”
*crashes your wedding
Why aren’t you answering my DM?!
*Scrolls TL*
Politics. Subtweet. Peen avi. Poor girl is constipated. Drama. WHORE. Stoned. Sexually frustrated. BOOBS!
*sips juicebox*
The endless handkerchief trick, but it’s me removing a tampon.
Halloween gig memory. Playing a nursing home. A lady in a wheelchair started inching forward; about two feet per song. She made it to the front of the stage, smiled and gestured for the microphone. I gave it to her. She yelled, as loud as she could, “GO HOOOOOOOME.” Show over!
We’re finally out of lockdown!!!
Spare a thought for Melbourne waxing business on Wednesday morning. They gonna see some scary shit.
I curse you with throw pillows that explode into more throw pillows every time you throw them.
*Hears sound in the middle of the night*
Mildly afraid – it’s an intruder.
Absolutely terrified – it’s going to wake my toddler.
Thanks for always acting surprised by breakfast in bed like you slept right through the great pots and pans avalanche of 6:45 AM.
Happy Mother’s Day
If you hate pooping alone may I suggest having children?
Me the car. Him washing the windshield. If course I’m pointing at imaginary spots because that’s always hilarious.
ME: *eating shepherd’s pie* this is really yummy
SHEPHERD: hey, that’s my pie
[me sneaking to the bathroom at night to check twitter]
Wife: what are you doing?
Me [looking around for excuse] just…changing my tampon
Aye. Do dis mean I get 3 wishes or nah
Nobody:
My husband: That’s it. I’m going to bring back jean shorts.
Do the people who make chairs know what humans look like or nah
Explain it to me like I’m five then do it for me like I’m one hundred.
wife: Why is your back all scratched up?
[flashback to me chasing a raccoon after she told me to leave it alone]
me: I’m having an affair
Hard to tell if the wife is more upset that I referred to our anniversary as an ‘annual appraisal’ or that she got a C
Waiter: I’m sorry sir, we don’t have an appetizer called Jenga.
A bunch of termites in a trench coat: Then we..I mean I will have the salmon on the cedar plank, hold the salmon
do u think regular glue guns get jealous of the hot ones
[Getting ready to go out]
Her: Is that what you’re wearing?
Narrator: He thought it was, but he was wrong.
Kids whispering in other room: “Hey do you dare me to…”
Me: NO!
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Mornin
Hey Joe, don’t think we can use this ad.
Why not? We’re roofers.
Yes, but “Hot shingles in your area looking to get nailed” seems extreme.