Travel bloggers during quarantine
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I try to live my life everyday as if it were my last. And who wants to do laundry on their last day? Not me…
It’s 450 BC. Socrates is doing a keg stand at a philosopher frat party. Gets the nickname SoCRAYtes. Nobody takes him seriously ever again.
Twitter fine art
*trimming the tree
Tree: K, but I wanna keep the length.
An Englishman, a Frenchman, a Spaniard and a German are sitting in a doctor’s waiting room, when a man in an obviously worried state enters and cries out, “I fear I’ve become invisible… Can you see me?”
And they respond; “Yes.” “Oui.” “Sí.” “Ja.”
The IUD is the Beyond Burger of contraceptives because we can all agree it’s for the best but also what did I just put inside me?
My husband was just looking at me like I’m some kind of super hero and all I said was, “yes, we do have onion for the burgers.”.
Ghost: *knocks slowly three times on door*
Me: That’s not the secret knock and if you were *actually* in the Kevin Bacon secret fan club you’d know that
Me: Mozart was a great composer, but now that he’s dead he’s a great
Wife: I swear to God I’ll divorce you
Me: *through tears* Decomposer.
[documentary on bees]
“the reason why we’re filming the bees twenty miles away using the world’s longest super zoom camera is because of the bees”
tattoos should make you more employable because they show you can sit in place for hours while tiny needles are jammed into your skin and that’s what every corporate meeting I’ve ever been in has felt like
*golf pro picks up his ball and eats it*
*audience claps politely*
If you hate someone on your Christmas list, buy them parakeets.
Her: What did you get for Valentine’s Day?
Me: Drunk!
Why does everyone keep telling me to ‘grow a pear’? I don’t even like pears.
yesterday i was walking to an interview and on the way there, I saw a starving cat. I stopped to feed it and missed the interview. The next day I got a call asking to come in to do the interview. I was surprised but I went anyways. The interviewer came in. It was the cat.
One two three whole cakes devoured, and suddenly nobody believes you’re on a diet
Me: I need to get something off my chest
My conjoined twin: I HAVE A NAME
[wakes up & turns to wife]
“I had a nightmare. You died.”
“Aw. It was just a-”
“Let me finish. You died & I had to make my breakfast.”
If you want to know how old my daughter is it’s “won’t talk on the phone if I’m in the room” years old
Me: *tries to sneak a pic of someone but forgets flash is on
Did you just take my picture?
Me: *starts to make thunder noises
(Teaching Kid to Ride a Bike)
KID:Dad, I’m scared
ME:It’s okay. The closest tree is a mile away
TREE:*rushes up to kid and clotheslines him*
2020 has lasted five years but October only lasted a week.
Money doesn’t grow on trees sounds like something rich people would say so you don’t go looking for their money trees
*runs into wife on the way to see his mistress*
Aww are those flowers for me?
-Uh…yeah
Is there a card too?
*with a mouthful of paper* No
If you die during a game of Duck Duck Goose, you become a victim of fowl play.
be the person your targeted ads think you should be
I bought a dead houseplant so it wouldn’t stick out like a sore thumb once I got it home and put it with the others.
Tonight at bedtime my”not tired”4yr said he wanted to pack his things and leave which really affected me. Because NONE OF THIS SHIT IS HIS!
if you text me “let’s get 7-11 hot dogs” why are you surprised when I bring you 9 of them