Kid: why do cookies look so happy?
Me: idk…maybe cuz they’re baked
Kid: I wanna get baked
Me: me too kid… me too
You Might Also Like
Keep your friends close and your enemies in the freezer.
If you tase an electrician, he only becomes more powerful.
*bird forgets to set alarm clock*
*worm has pretty laid back morning*
*gets filled with hope*
Hope: *has a leak*
My son has about 12 seconds to learn patience.
once again my favorite hobby, lunging at people in parking garages, has landed me in hot water
Keep your friends close and your friends that give away large sums of cash as a gift even closer.
Some bloke on FB called me a clown. Now I’ve got to go hide under his bed with a knife cause that’s what clowns do.
Remember how judgey we thought we’d be if our kid said “wow! My teacher drinks a lot”
Dear parents of college students on Spring Break, Congrats!!! Many of you are about to be grandparents!!!
[diet journal]
day 1: hungry
day 2: hungry
day 3: hungry
day 4: ate neighbor
Just got my second Covid vax. So now I’m going to need another excuse for why I’m not having sex.
It’s legally required that you lose a frisbee onto the roof within one hour of purchase
I just walked up three flights of stairs really fast, so if anyone needs me, I’ll be dead at the top of the stairwell.
I got 3 looks. And that’s it. I got a teacher look, a mom look, and a raccoon that got into the dumpster behind Chipotle and passed out after eating too much look.
A woman at the gym wouldn’t let me wipe down the machine for her after I’d used it. I think this means we’re engaged
I tried to sell something for $69 on Facebook, and I guess that’s some kind of code because 3 people asked for my phone number and none of them wanted my old chair.
You know what really boils my piss? The pissboiler2000 from JML.
I’m dressing for the weather I desperately want, not the weather I currently have.
Who named it “Viagra” …..
and not “Miracle Grow” ?
Being a parent isn’t just a job it’s a way of life. Like coal mining, or deep sea fishing, or ice road trucking….really any job that’s actively trying to kill you.
We have a cricket in our garage and every once a while, to keep him entertained, I go out and tell him corny dad jokes.
Then I wait.
It’s like 10000 spoons when all you need is a castle surrounded by a mote filled with 7-11 nacho cheese
Stop giving me life advice, people who don’t know how crocodiles have sex.
me: what’s a 3-letter word for compete
dracula: vie
me: for a crossword puzzle
If I believed changing my profile picture could change the world I’d change it to a picture of vending machines that dispense tiger cubs
Sometimes when I’m feeling lonely, I head on over to Best Buy and pretend to know nothing about my phone.
Me: I’m on the carnival diet.
Person: You mean the carnivore diet?
Me: No, the carnival diet. I eat hot dogs, funnel cake, and cotton candy.
Inspired by T.G.I.Fridays, I opened a place called C.L.I.Thursdays. It closed down though because most guys couldnt find it
I don’t care what kinda lighter you have, its fair game if its unattended. Unless its engraved, then I’ll give it back for Christmas.