Grandmother: “So what is Skype?”
*Explains in great detail on how it works*
“So do I need a computer for it?”
“I JUST…how’s your cat?”
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Just saw New England clam chowder, a soup that I thoroughly enjoy, described as “hot fish yogurt” and now I’m upset
My neighbors are having a terrible fight in the front yard. I mean hanging Christmas lights. Same.
[school of hard knocks]
TEACHER: you’re late
ME: I was stuck outside, the classroom door was locked
TEACHER: you have a LOT to learn
*Daycare drop off*
4yo: *very loudly* Mommy you have a watermelon belly. *pats my belly* Yup, that just what a watermelon sounds like.
This guys gifted me lighter, I guess he is my cigarette santa.
LOL at vegetarians coming to my house for a BBQ! Feel free to eat my lawn.
L-O-L!
Why am I like this?
“I heard the Delta and Omicron variants have reportedly fused together producing Deltacron!”
“Ugh, even COVID variants are having sex and I am not.”
*requests Uber* *climbs in backseat*
Uber driver: “Where to?”
Me: “oh, nowhere. I just don’t like to change my diaper in the street.”
My Daddy taught me to lick it before I stick it- I say to the judges as I hang a spit covered spoon from my nose.
My three kids are roughly the same age as Kate Middleton’s so I can say pretty confidently that she is hiding in the bathroom pretending to pee for a really long time.
[answers phone during job interview]
What’s the address here? The Pizza Hut guy can’t find me.
Me: I’m finally letting myself go gray
Dermatologist: you really need some sun
The first rule of Fight Club is to have a sibling.
URGENT! IF MY BOSS ASKS YOU IF IT’S REALLY “NATIONAL THROW YOUR COFFEE AT YOUR BOSS DAY” PLEASE SAY YES.
*Wife screams*
“THERES A RACCOON IN THE HOUSE. GET IT OUT”
*I approach, raccoon cracks it’s knuckles. I turn around*
“It’s his house now”
When I’m bored in the morning I like to sit one of my boys down, fix them with my dad stare, and say “so….do you maybe have something you’d like to tell me? I’ll give you a little time to think about it”….and then walk away.
Who said parenting can’t be fun?
Please hold so I can transfer you to a supervisor and accidentally hang up on you.
‘Believe me I am a expertise when it comes to lovemaking.’
I believe you Internet stranger.
I totally believe you.
Crazy how your teeth are just part of your skull hanging right out in the open before you’re even dead.
when i see a tiny dog carrying a really big stick
Sometimes I feel so bad about not being perfect but then I remember people who expect you to be perfect all the time are exhausting and then I scratch my armpits like a monkey.
If you wait until the last minute to do something it only takes a minute to do it.
Them: No pets allowed!
My cat: Guess you are gonna just have to wait outside for me…
People who say that their wedding day was the best day ever have obviously never had a KitKat that turns out to be just solid chocolate.
I hate when people text me “what are you doing?” at 1:00 pm on a weekday.
Well I don’t have your Art History degree, so probably “working”.
Me: How many legs does the dog have?
4 y.o: Five
Me: There’s something wrong with your counting.
4: There’s something wrong with the dog.
[mouse wedding]
PHOTOGRAPHER: Oh my God [closes eyes & rubs bridge of nose] Stop. Turning. Round. THERE ISN’T ANY ACTUAL CHEESE
[God creating penguins]
I want a bird that doesn’t fly but loves to swim, and make sure you dress it classy AF.