I’m finally getting the professional help I need for my origami addiction.
I’ll let you know how it all unfolds.
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The Times needs to give an immediate raise to whoever wrote this headline
*reaching down to pick up baby*
no guys it’s totally cool, 5 second rule
Now that Fox News is 18 can we send it to Iraq?
{Getting dating advice}
FRIEND: Just be yourself.
ME:
FRIEND:
ME:
FRIEND:
ME: You’ve met me tho—
FRIEND: No, yeah, I heard it as soon as I said it.
Kid: “ my dad says you spy on people… “
Mark Zuckerberg: “ he’s not your dad”
My gas mower died so I replaced it with an electric one. It doesn’t smoke or smell and is really quiet and now I don’t know how I’m supposed to alert the rival dads when I’m beating them to cutting the grass.
me [after tossing your baby a piece of cheese] A dog would have caught it
[pharmacy]
“Can I help you?”
Yeah, could you recommend anything over the counter for this?
*lifts shirt to reveal 7 fresh gunshot wounds*
I hate it when you’re about to sacrifice a baby, and you notice one of the other satanists is wearing the same robes.
“You’re unemployed 364 days a year. It’s not that sexy.”
–Mrs. Cupid
My 6 yr old just asked if I’m a happy wife.. her cover is blown I think she might be working for the other side
The only time I’m not excited to see a dog when I have drugs on me at the airport
GF: “you’re so childish”
me: “it’s my day too linda”
[we sit in silence]
wedding planner: “so is that a yes or a no on the bouncy castle?”
Dr. to my 9 yr old son: So you’ll pee in this cup…
*9 starts giggling
Dr.:
9: We’re not allowed to say ‘pee.’
Me,rubbing my temples: We say ‘tinkle.’
Dr: E-
Me: YES EVEN THE ADULTS
Me: I’m updating my fitness app. Is bowling a sport?
Him: You didn’t bowl. You kept score.
Me: Is score-keeping for bowling a sport?
Homework. The teachers’ way of knowing how smart the parent is.
trying not to judge stupid people too harshly anymore because it turns out i’m people and oh man am i stupid.
ME: And now to test my greatest invention, the cowtapult!
COW: M
O
O
o
o
o
o
。
。
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.
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“Hang out with different people everyday so the only person who knows you’ve been wearing the same outfit all week is you” – my fashion blog
8: What’s this music?
Me: The Ramones, do you like it?
8: No, it sounds too easy to do.
Me, offended: What’s wrong with being easy?
Given the number of tampon’s wrappers in our trash either my wife is searching for the 1 with a Golden Ticket or shit just got real.
New guy: I really like your name
Me: Thanks I got it for my birthday
I saved my husband’s life insurance company 1 million dollars by switching to xanax.
George Washington spent 63% of his salary on alcohol so I guess you could say I have presidential qualities.
Cop: “You have one call – make it important!”
*phone*
Me: “I’ve been arrested for making prank calls.”
Man: “Who is this?”
Me: “Hugh Jass.”
“OnStar, this is Sharon, how may I help you?” “My penis is stuck in the cigarette lighter hole.” “Is this Brandon?” “Yup.” “I’ll call 911.”
Husband: Why are there two broken condoms on the backseat?
Wife: Please stop calling our kids that.
What is the difference between Black-Eyed Peas and Chickpeas?
Black-Eyed Peas can sing us a song,
but Chickpeas
can just hummus one.
Taking a screenshot on windows: *gently press screenshot button*
Taking a screenshot on Mac:
Command + shift + 3 + Steve Jobs’ birthday + 3.14159 + a drop of human blood
ME: why is there a question mark on this periodic table?
PHYSICIST: that’s the element of surprise