Hi everyone! Welcome to AA. This is a “judgment free” zone…unless we’re talking about Janice who ate all the cookies last week.
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jesus: (on the cross) you know what i could really go for right now? a hard-boiled egg
My friend’s kid just asked the server for ballsack vinegar and now he’s my favorite person.
At peace with myself?
We can’t even decide which channel to watch
Wife: Well, they say a mirror adds ten pounds.
Me: That’s a cam-
Wife: …
Me: Yes. Yes they do.
Even at my age I can walk up ten flights of stairs. But eleven? Well, that’s another story.
i find it kind of funny / i find it kind of sad / the dreams i have most often are weird picnics with my Dad
Mom: how’s your little cult thing going honey?
Me: [sigh] mom Twitter isn’t a cult.
Dad: it sounds like a cult to me.
Mom: 80k people follow him Harold.
Me: seriously not a cult.
Dad: what do you call all those people?
Me:
Mom:
Dad:
Me: my followers.
Clark Kent is such a hipster.
He has fake glasses, still uses phone booths, & prides himself as being the only one who hasn’t seen Superman
Played Monopoly with a kid & argued that I CAN buy the jail.. Teaching him a valuable lesson about the privitisation of the prison system.
[walking into a gym]
me: i’m looking to do the least that burns the most calories
My wedding vows said “till death do us part.”
My wife died, so I was a free man.
Then she came back and bit me.
the guy who keeps stealing my packages is really gonna love my latest order, “giant beehive (1 count)”
Me, “I need to get in shape.”
Hubs, “What flavor? Chocolate or Vanilla?”
Me, “Shape, not Shake.”
Hubs, “So….”
Me, “Chocolate.”
Child: What’s it called when they stick a spike up your nose and scramble your brain?
Me: A lobotomy?
Child: YES.
Me: Why?
Child: No reason.
Me:
Child:
Me: [wide awake all night]
How much for the goth pool noodles?
My biggest skydiving fear is that the person strapped to my back will try to talk to me
Professor: There’s no such thing as stupid questions
Me: *clears throat
The nurse should wait until after they weigh you to ask if you’ve had any symptoms of depression in the past two weeks.
Him: “I like your locket.”
Me: “Thanks! I got it from a thrift store and it has a picture of a dead couple in it.”
Him: “How do you know they are dead?”
Me: “They are standing behind you. They said they like your hair.”
First cup of coffee: “This feels nice.”
Second cup of coffee: “I’m gonna go straighten that palm tree.”
I gave my cat a middle name today, so she knows when she is really in trouble.
never compromise your values
Them: you don’t strike me as a pacifist.
Me: yeah, that’s kinda the point
Not only was my brother not mad when I backed into his Porsche, he even invited me camping and said to bring a shovel. Whew!
the whole internet loves Stanley Cups, the viral cup that you can drink from! *5 seconds later* we regret to inform you the cup is poison
Siri, when does the restraining order expire?
QUESTION: What were the very first straws made of? ANSWER: Straw.
[Breaking up]
It’s not you, I’m just trying to focus more on Batman now.
I’m at the age where I need at least 3 weeks advance notice before doing anything spontaneous
News Flash: Netflix Allows Employees One Year Maternal And Paternal Leave