One of the best compliments I ever received was when my brother told me that Mystery Science Theater 3000 was “basically like watching a movie with you.”
You Might Also Like
the closest I get to a manicure is when I jam olives on my fingers and pretend I’m a tree frog
Whoever said that collectively women are the fair sex obviously didn’t understand the meaning of fair, or women, or maybe even sex…
Of course this milk is fresh, I just saw it breakdancing in the back of the refrigerator.
Dracula: I vant to suck your blood
Me: well technically, no — you don’t suck what you’re drinking. You want to suck my NECK
Dracula: vhoa
“Robby! Hey man I haven’t seen you since we were kids!”
Rob: Hey! I go by Robert now. It’s good to see you, Barry!
“I go by Barold now”
[someone attempts to speak to me]
ME: *to self, but at a completely audible volume* okay, remember your training
*Puts arm band, white tank top, and fake moustache on cat*
There ya go, Freddie Purr-cury.
Me: Son, there is only one thing to fear in life. Fear itself!
Son: What about those meetings where you all have to say your name and a bit about yourself?
Me:
Son:
Me: There are only 2 things to fear
The fake cough I use when calling in sick is now available on iTunes.
The sun got the nerve to be out.
Don’t just stand there, DO SOMETHING
I’m sorry I lied, but in my defense, telling the truth would have had consequences and I hate those.
Cancelling plans is okay. Having your friend over even though he insulted you is okay. Taking him to your wine cellar to show him your rare Amontadillo is okay. Sealing him in with bricks and entombing him alive is okay. Do what you need to do to cope.
HR says I’m not allowed to test the bungy rope I made out of rubber bands on the intern
I feel so alive when I watch an object fall and shatter into hundreds of pieces. Not alive enough to clean up the mess though.
No thank you, gym membership. The only thing worse than riding a bike is riding a bike that goes nowhere.
I don’t mean to brag but I’m a lot more trouble than I’m worth.
In an alternate universe the hard way is always learning me
The strangest thing happened. A coworker who always says, “Living the dream” was mysteriously stabbed 37 times in the neck with my car keys.
Ford vehicles names are more fun when you put “anal” in front of them..Probe, Explorer, Excursion, Endeavor, Ranger,etc
A comprehensive list of the times I will willingly and happily go for a run:
3-in-1 shampoo/conditioner/KFC gravy
If you’re worried that you added too much cheese to the recipe I am here to reassure you that you did not
Both of my sons have somewhat classic, WASP-y first names, and the number of older people who have said to me, “oh how nice, he has a nOrMaL name, and you don’t have to wonder if he’s a boy or a girl” is rather rich coming from the generation of seven million people named Pat
They saddled up the horses and headed into town. The hills were quiet and ominous. A lone coyote howled. An owl hooted. Crickets chirped. An eagle made an eagle scream. A rattlesnake rattled. A hissing beetle made a sound that was indescribable
We need a marketing campaign to teach the Crayola people what “washable” means
Me: I really can’t stay
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: I’ve got to go away
Him: Baby it’s cold outside
Me: Just let me go!
Manager of Hotel California *walks over* is there a problem?
“I made myself feel better about my husband being a giant, irresponsible, adult child by imagining what it would be like if he were dead” is a weird flex but ok.
Him: Your body is like poetry
Me: That’s so nice!
H: A haiku
M:..
H: Little on the top, big in the middle, little on the bottom
M: Just stop
SOCRATES: The only thing I know is that I know nothing.
ME: Aw, hey, don’t say that. You know things.
SOCRATES: No, I meant—
ME: If you want I can teach you some stuff.
SOCRATES:
ME:
SOCRATES:
ME: *Points* That’s a tree.
[birth of Jesus]
First Wise Man: Here is some frankincense
Second Wise Man: Got you some myrrh
Third Wise Man: This is gold
First Two Wise Men: Hey, we agreed on a spending limit