10’s teacher: Your son has excellent grades
Me: Cool
Teacher: And a very sarcastic sense of humor
Me: *tears up* I couldn’t be more proud
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me when my kids won’t try their food: you might like it
me when my kids want to try my food: you won’t like it
[1st date]
Her: So, were you born here?
Me: [an idiot] In this restaurant? No. I was born in a hospital.
Watching the new Aladdin with my kids and niece and nephew.
15 year old niece: I totally had no idea Will Smith could sing before this movie.
Me: Yeah, he’s been gettin’ jiggy wit it for decades!
15: Uhhh…what?
Me: Never mind.
[on road trip]
Me: I AM NOT turning this car around
Son: *cries*
Me: Nope. No way.[45 min later]
Me: *walks out of house holding Mr. Teddy Bear*
Marriage is mostly blaming your spouse for not listening to the things you say, even when you’re not entirely sure you’ve said them out loud.
[slamming back a whole creme egg without chewing, foil and all, in front of a horrified shopkeeper] another
I have more pictures of food on my phone than I do of my children.
When a nurse checks your blood pressure they should immediately clarify whether it’s good or bad. “130 over 90” ok cool are we just saying numbers
If you’re ever having a bad day, just watch this video of a man trying to deep-fry gnocchi
[standing in front of Stonehenge]: is this all it does
Getting straight “A”s does not guarantee success, but plenty of evidence shows that not getting “A”s doesn’t preclude it.
Men should feel comfortable with weeping openly.
Especially in front of a vending machine where the Reece’s slot is empty
“Sorry, kids, put them back in the car. I guess you can grab the frisbee while you’re there.”
We named our beautiful daughter after my mother.
Passive Aggressive Psycho turns 22 this year!
Interstellar (2014) – A widower utilizes mankind’s greatest technology to get as far away as possible from his kids.
Ads for 2020 would be like, have you ever wondered how it would feel if an entire lifetime was packed into one year? Now you can!
I can’t believe this Avengers movie will be the last one before the next one comes out.
Roadtripping with my family has taught me that my marriage can withstand anything except roadtripping with my family.
Just absolutely destroying my kids at ABC Mouse.
Planning to edit the three Hobbit movies into one watchable movie. Should I use Instagram or Vine?
*Toddler throws sock on floor and bursts into tears*
Me: Why are you crying?!
Toddler: Because someone took my sock
Me: No one took your sock!
Toddler: Then where is it?!
Me: It’s right there on the floor next to my sanity
CEO: we’re shutting down 60 offices to save $$ and everyone will work at home.
me: cool. do i get a bigger raise next year then?
CEO: haha no. but we will give you your office chair for free
I went through and unfollowed everyone who is better looking than me.
It took a lot longer than I thought it would.
When people ask me why I’m wheelchair bound, it sounds like a prison sentence. I want to say “I forgot to return a library book.”
developing a crush on a writer is like oh great now i got all this reading homework
I’m so proud of myself. I went to Costco hungry and only spent $17,000.
3yo: Let’s have a discussion.
Me: OK, about what?
3yo: About why your hair looks like a rat slept in it. If I have to brush my hair, you do too.
Things would be so much simpler if everything was as easy as your mom.
Me: you may find this hard to believe but I have been fooled several times.
Them: No we get that.
DOCTOR: You’ve suffered a brain injury. It’s affected your hippocampus
ME:What? Lol sorry I was picturing hippos at college. Who are u again