Wife and daughter are baking which means the air is filled with people arguing about baking soda.
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If by multitasking you mean ruining my life in more than one way at a time, then yes, I’m multitasking.
Thanks for keeping your Instagram account private. I’d hate for those pictures of your lunch to fall into the wrong hands.
I ripped my pants and had to sew them back up.
Britches love stitches.
By the time my 5yo is done with his dinner, it’ll be time to start applying to colleges.
Me: want a grilled cheese?
6yo: no. How about a cheeseburger without the meat.
Me: you got it.
I taught my daughter to whistle a few days ago and now I’m teaching her that whistling can lead to adoption.
Quit doubting my abilities, I can drive with one hand and crash the car with the other…
Good morning, a spider’s favorite music app is Spotafly and your day can only get better from this joke forward Happy Thursday
Ruby Tuesday lures you in with the promise of “bottomless fries” but then escorts you out with “you have to wear pants in here”.
We avoided this particular disaster
Jack Black is trending? Hey if it’s 1998 again maybe I can fix some mistakes
Once I get this cortisone cream on it’s gonna be all over for you itches.
Don’t forget to wear your lip gloss so you can constantly pick hair out of it and any flying debris you may collect throughout the day.
Way ahead of you, “cashless society.”
My husband and I have reached the age that neither of us will get up to investigate even the strangest of noises.
oh you love me? name every curb i’ve ever hit while driving
If you’re going to walk a mile in my shoes, please also wear my FitBit.
If I die in my sleep, my only request is that you fold me up in my futon and sell it on Craigslist
I’m going to the hospital tomorrow…not because I’m sick, but because they have free pudding if you’re fast enough.
Me: Got my finger stuck in this beer bottle.
Wife: How?!
M: Just help me.
W: Have you tried butter?
M: It’s delicious. Now will you help me?
Starting my diet and training tomorrow; hope I can count on your support and prayers that I die in my sleep. Please RT.
I just put the 4K Fireplace for Your Home on Netflix and my ma told me to turn it off because she’ll get too warm
Atheists, if Jesus isn’t real then explain this.
Sexiest Man Alive implies there’s a Sexiest Man Dead
[commercial for toilets]
°a man is walking around his house picking up turds°
There’s got to be a better way
If the new Joker musical doesn’t have Lady Gaga singing “Joker Face” what’s the point??
Pro: he does community service
Con: it’s court-mandated
Husband: “How do the kids keep getting sick?”
Me: [picturing all the things the toddler licked last week] “No idea.”
trainer at gym: do you exercise outside of here?
me remembering it was windy in the parking lot: some resistance training
I once saw someone stare at the McDonald’s menu for 15 minutes before ordering just one cheeseburger with no cheese. So yes, I do believe there are still undecided voters