Don’t be afraid to ask questions during a job interview. It’s the best way to find out if the person you’re interviewing is a good candidate for the job.
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It frustrates me when people refuse to adopt the technology of the day and respond promptly to my faxes.
idk why the paint store guy had to tell me not to drink it I’m not gonna drink paint my dude I mean maybe I’ll try a little to see what flavor it is ok yeah
text from my dad when lebron broke the record
Currently arguing with my toddler over how to spell the letter “A” if you’re thinking about having kids
i just want a guy i can call papi (not in the grandpa way)
[At the Grand Canyon]
Me:
I L o v e T h i s P l a c e
[ECHO]
[ECHO]
GC: Let’s just be friends
Why do they lock gas station bathrooms? Are they afraid someone might accidentally clean them?
doctor: open up
me: it all started when my dad left
doctor: and say ahh
me: oh
doctor: no, “ahh”
ME: don’t involve me in your bullshit
SON: it’s called homework
I’ve had my phone battery die at a family function. Nothing scares me now.
*sees cars lined up outside church*
wife: Is that a funeral or a wedding?
me: What’s the difference?
If anyone deserves an Oscar, it’s me for nodding and pretending to understand the directions you’re explaining to me when I know I’m going to use Google Maps regardless
Find someone that threatens to fight everyone as often as you do
Welcome to your fifties. Everyone sits down at the concerts you go to now.
Getting noise cancelling headphones for when the kids are home is sound advice
My mom asked me a question and when I went to answer she said, “Hold on I can’t hear you. I gotta turn on the light.” The dark was too loud?
”You will die alone.” I hate fortune cookies. Wait! This is a note from my mom!
Took our kids to a restaurant again because we never learn our lesson.
*sleeping*
Heartburn: LIKE HELL YOU ARE
My uterus has decided that every single time I come to the beach this summer is period time.
Kids at this rave act like they’ve never seen a CPAP machine.
Drove by an SUV limo parked on somebody’s front lawn with a “For Sale” sign. Who is buying a random limo on a whim
Cop: “Do you have any idea how fast you were going?”
Shark: *eats cop*
i know a guy who loves saying “best thing since sliced bread” and i imagine hes always at a grocery store lookin at bread and just losing it
{Driving behind semi}
*Sees the ‘How Am I Driving’ sign*
*Panics*
Hello?! There’s a problem. Your driver doesn’t understand how he’s driving
Been collecting single highway shoes for years but not professionally.
“Cloudy With a Chance of Meatballs” could also describe every menu item at Olive Garden.
Please don’t distract me, I’ve been asked to guard my daughter’s shell collection while she’s in the water.
If you would have told me when I started this account that my dumb parenting jokes would eventually lead to a dream job writing for a Netflix series, I would’ve said that was crazy. Fast forward to today, and I can confirm that it’s crazy. Nothing remotely like that has happened.
I just stopped by to water my horse.