*thinks every animal is a type of dog*
*sees a cat* scratch dog
*sees a parrot* talk dog
*sees a worm* spaghetti dog
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Inventor: It’s a jackhammer.
Investors: This is groundbreaking.
[leaving Hooters]
Wife: you thought there’d be owls
Me: *wiping away one tear* of course not don’t be ridiculous
I regret to announce that my five year old is responsible for the nation’s ketchup shortage.
Doctor: “I think this patient is dying. What blood type is he?”
Nurse: “B positive.”
Doctor: “Okay. I don’t think this patient is dying.”
I spent 5 min. in the dark trying to get my charger in my phone. I’m embarrassed & I feel like I owe some dudes from high school an apology.
Drunk yoga, but it’s me trying to get the last drop out of my boxed wine.
dating:
I can listen to you talk all day.marriage:
Get to the point because I have to pee.
ME AT HOME: I’ll eat a whole pizza & a tub of ice cream for dinner
ME ON A DATE: *just chewing on tree bark* this is all I need to survive
*jumps on a haystack
*lands on a needle
A study was just published that shark attacks happen most often in water. Now I have to worry about the ones that occur elsewhere.
My teen said “if you don’t like the way I’m doing the dishes, then do them yourself,” and lived to tell the tale.
Drugs are great until they fall into the wrong hands. I am referring, of course, to the cops or people who don’t enjoy life.
MOM: sleep tight, don’t let the bedbugs bite 🙂
KID: ok[later]
BEDBUG: arrgh I can’t bite him
OTHER BEDBUG: curses, he is sleeping too tightly
Applebee’s boss: You’re fired!
Me: Wha? Why? Is it because I fixed the soup of the day?
AB: No, it’s because you keep saying “Eatin’ good in the neighborhood… if you know what I mean”
M: 😏
AB: Wait, what did you do to the soup?
trying to flirt with a waitress and
accidentally writing my phone
number in the tip section of the
receipt and charging 7 billion dollars
to my debit card
This is my brand.
Every funeral is open-casket if you’ve got a crowbar and a sense of adventure.
Nobody likes a quitter, Glenn.
the term “domestic housewife” implies the existence of a feral housewife and that is what i aspire to be
Me, as a kid: Proud of myself for reading a 300 page book
Me, as an adult: Proud of myself for reading all 3 paragraphs of an email
me: yo lemme get somma those THYIICC fries
kfc: you mean potato wedges?
me: yes potato wedges please
If you want to know what you really look like hand your phone to a 5-year-old to take a picture.
Where have you been all my life? Please go back there.
What I wanted to do was look cute making dirt angels for Earth Day. What I did was ruin an entire outfit.
“Woah woah hey woah”
[me attempting to breakup a fight]
“Couples don’t have enough things to disagree about.”
– Guy about to invent crunchy peanut butter.
What do Me, Santa Claus and the Easter Bunny have in common? You guessed it: we’re all white.
DOROTHY: What do these shoes do?
GLINDA: Send you home
D: Lame [tries new pair] And these?
G: Wait-
D: [clicks heels]
[turns into hamburger]
[gets down on one knee]
her: omg
[gets down on two knees]
her: ok…
[gets down on third knee]
her: wtf
[my 1st flight as co-pilot]
me: [breaks 30 minute awkward silence] “so what do you do?”
pilot: “i fly the plane keith”