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8: mom do you have ANY idea how rare circles are in minecraft?
me: no but i have a bad feeling you’re about to spend a really long time telling me
We don’t have wifi in Tennessee. I just pray my tweets into my phone and let Him (#Christ) do the rest.
Automated text response: Please allow 7-10 business days for a response, longer if I don’t like you.
“You can’t scare me, you’re not my wife who I left on read for 2 hours”
– my husband right now, probably
Fool me once shame on you
Fool me 7 times you must be a car that looks like mine in the mall parking lot
Me: How was school?
5: It was good. I only needed a couple of reminders
Me: what did you need to be reminded about?
5:
Me:
5: You don’t need to worry about that
Date: “So, what do you want to be?”
Me: “Impressed.”
*Stands guard with scissors and tinsel*
Wait, you said “wrap battle”, right?
25% of parenting is resisting the urge to scream, “Get to the point!”
Her: You sound hoarse. What’s wrong?
*flashback to me screaming Taylor Swift songs in my car on the way home*
Me: Dunno. Probably a cold.
Sure I’ll join your Cause on Facebook…Right after I jump out of an airplane without a parachute…
your honor my client feels very bad he got caught
15 Is The Age Where You Either Look Like 11 Or 25.
no one:
me at 2am: maybe cake in the fridge also can’t sleep cause it’s thinking about me
“It puts the lotion on its skin…”
— me buttering a baked potato
Young coworker: You gotta check out Marshmello and the Weeknd!
Me: Nah, I don’t enjoy camping.
PSA: If you’re going to order Doordash at your paramour’s house don’t use the account linked to your Wife’s phone. When she gets notification the driver is on the way, you can bet she’s ALSO on her way. She’ll follow that map all the way to you. And record it all for Court.
Dear millionaires,
If you don’t have a bookcase that spins into a secret room then give your money to me because you’re spending it wrong.
Drugs and alcohol aren’t the answer. Unless the question is why did you shit on the sidewalk last night?
I named my toilet Jim instead of John and now everyone is always so impressed when I tell them I go to the Jim everyday.
The Bermuda Triangle has been relocated to the space between your car seat and the center console.
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
just took 3 times my normal dose of adderall finally gonna get to the bottom of this whole amelia earhart thing
When you just stick the tip in and then move it around and around.
– Hand held pencil sharpener
I avoid paying bills by yelling, ” Not it!” and throwing the envelopes back at the mail lady.
Me: Where the hell are you going with those balloons?
4yr: I need to wee!
Me: With balloons?!
4yr: Its so much fun to wee with balloons
This morning my therapist said more people need to do things without expecting anything in return, so I left without paying her.
My sister had a baby today. I think I’ve used that as an excuse to get out of more stuff this week than she has.
People be like I forgot to eat today meanwhile I’ve eaten 4 times since I started this tweet.
We’re at the top of the food chain, but let’s not be too full of ourselves.
After all, some of us can be felled by a single peanut.