(uses phone to push more food onto my fork)
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Female giraffes on dating apps be like “Must be at least 20 feet”
It’s amazing how patiently people will wait in line behind you when you’re buying tampons.
“I was bored” -Me explaining most of the things I do.
My imaginary girlfriend rolled in at 2:30 this morning, so things are a little tense over here.
Get a hair cut, run away without paying. They can’t chase you because they’re holding scissors. The perfect crime.
*in an interview*
Me: Tell me a time when you really struggled in your previous job.
Applicant: 5-7PM po.
Me:
Applicant: 8PM.
Me:
at work when it’s slow and everyone’s mad i like to say “at least we have our health and are surrounded by friends” and everyone gets more mad.
When driving: *shakes fist at pedestrians*
When walking: *shakes fist at motorists*
When running: *shakes fist at the murderer chasing me*
TSA: Sir, you can’t bring that bottle of whiskey on the flight.
Me: Um, this is my Service Whiskey. See his little vest?
TSA: ….
I am starting to suspect that my camo hoodie isn’t as clean as it appears
BISON DAD: good bye, son.
BISON SON: thank you, dad.
Like a shark smelling blood in the water, my toddler can also smell when I am eating my secret stash of cookies.
Guy 1: guess I shouldn’t get in the water
Guy 2: why
Guy 2: well it’s shark week
Guy 1: that’s…that’s not what shark week is
Me: Shut the door, I need privacy
4y/o: But we’re family!
Me: Families don’t watch each other go poop
4:You watch me poop!
Me:…take a seat
When I get new followers I lean in close and whisper to their avi:
“You’ve chosen wisely, Grasshopper.”
“YEP, that’s a poop alright!”, and other phrases you’d prefer not to hear coming from the 3 year old’s room.
I planted all the evidence for evolution once it became clear it did not serve the best interest of My reputation to take credit for you.
my allegiance to alligators is based on a gut feeling. you see, the crocodile deliberately looks like he wants me dead, and as soon as possible. the alligator appears to give less of a shit, generally. so i’m like, sure, that’s something we can deal with. that’s a starting point
my ex just blocked me on twitter but i’m not gonna text him to ask him why bc i’m mature, i respect his boundaries and also he’s already blocked my number.
[Batman Begins]
BRUCE WAYNE: *wearing the mask and practicing Batman voice in mirror* be honest what do you think
ALFRED: perhaps pants, Master Bruce
IKEA is fine if you don’t mind assembling furniture in 18 steps and realizing you made a mistake in step 3.
PHILOSOPHERS: We don’t know how the mind and body are connected
ME (who has a mind and a body): oh no!
My husband is helping me relax this morning by making the kids lunches. He’s asked me 57 times what goes in each lunchbox, and still hasn’t found the bread yet.
Every time you think Florida can’t top itself. BAM!
A horse walks into a bar. The batman asks “why the long…” “wait a minute, did you see that typo?” interrupts the horse.
gf: ooh a blindfold, kinky
me: *seductively* ill go get the piñata
*sees that all the leaves have blown into the neighbour’s yard*
*buys all the lottery tickets*
You’d think since I
– ordered the pizza
– went to get it
– waited for it
– brought it home
– let my kids split the last piece
– let my kids have all the dessertThey would throw the box away while I walked the dog.
You’d think wrong.
Redheads are an endangered species, I think that every city should have a petting party for them at least once a week.
~quits job, buys RV