ZOMBIE 1: why do we eat brains?
ZOMBIE 2: because. It’s food for thought! haha
ZOMBIE 1: [sigh]
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In the next verse of the song, the mother of the 5 Little Monkeys receives a massive doctor’s bill.
Friends don’t let friends drive drunk but I don’t want them staying at my house
And that’s why Uber was created
Life’s most terrifying 10 seconds: Being held hostage in the corner of the shower by cold water.
Him: Hey girl, what’s your sign?
Me: My favourite is probably “McDonalds, Next Exit” what’s yours?
Some people wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look trendy. I wear a big oversize coat and a woolly hat, and look homeless.
When the company finally leaves and you can let one rip..
that.
Being a spider has got to be pretty stressful because anything bigger than you is either going to run away screaming or murder you immediately.
me to the fake CIA agent: okay so you need me to put all my savings in a shoe box? all $387?
scammer: you know what never mind
[Little Caesar’s meeting]
“We need a new, clever slogan”
*everyone looks at Jim*
Jim: Um… Pizza…Pizza?
“Jim…U just saved this company”
Airbud being shut down by the oppositions new defender, the vacuum.
Me in my 20s: wakes up in the morning and hops out of bed
Me in my 40s: wakes up and sits on the edge of the bed for 43 minutes preparing my body to walk again.
*extreme announcer voice* Next up on Jesus The Real Truth: Was it crucifact or crucifiction
I lost my virginity once and lemme tell you…
NEVER. AGAIN.
I’m going to buy a house near the St. Louis Airport and paint “Welcome to chicago” on my roof to confuse people who are about to land.
My father: you can’t tell me what to do! THERE ARE NO RULES.
Me: …Dad, this is a card game.
Ugh, I hate when my bath sandwich gets all wet
I’m not saying I hate you but if you
were on fire I’d bring sticks and marshmallows.
A dating app to meet other people with low IQ called OK Stupid
Her: Sorry I’m late to work. I was talking to my husband and he wouldn’t stop listening.
Coworker: You look tired. Did you not get enough sleep last night?
Me: Nope. Slept great! But thanks for telling me I look like shit.
If you think my tweets are bad you should see most of my life choices
Trying to binge watch a show when you’re a parent takes about 20 years, apparently.
You look like a snack:
-way overused
-not specific enough
-not enough affectionate noisesYou look like a moose:
-a very cute moose
-make all the boy moose go HWAAAAH
“WHAAAAATTT?” – The first almond to be milked
[me going to literally any sporting event] i better wear my sneakers in case they need another player
Your resume just says “falconer”
“And?”
Well, this is a bank
*falcon starts break-dancing*
“Not yet Tyler, wait until he offers us the job”
Make every hug more interesting by mysteriously whispering, “the Dark Lord stands at the crossroads
Wife: “these are the nice ornaments. Put them in the front of the tree”
Me: “all decorations are beautiful in their own way”
Wife (cont.) “and these are the shit ones you bury deep in the branches”
[bum holds his hand out]
“can I have some change?”
change comes from within
“thank u. now I’m not poor anymore”