I have this fantasy that all lights go out in the world when I’m at the grocery store. While everyone panics, I grab a head of broccoli, stab the base with a carrot, and light it like a torch.
Look, I never said I was any good at fantasy, you guys.
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Trying to pass my red flags off as a mini golf course
I really don’t care where y’all are located, my brother was last seen on the Westbank in the Westwego area. My baby is missing and I need everyone’s eyes because I cannot see by myself. This is the time I need all of my prayer warriors 😔 please help me find my brother
The Internet is good for two things
1) People without clothes
2) Animals with clothes
I am eternally grateful that Twitter doesn’t have an “is online now” indicator
[In a cucumber submarine]
1st mate: *inspecting leak* we’re taking on saltwater captain
Cptn: hm yes looks like we’re in quite the pickle
Elsa: 🎶 the cold never bothered me anyway
People of Arendelle: sorry to interrupt b-but some of us have literal hypothermia and-
Elsa: [shrug] well I’m not bothered
One day I plan on walking into a bar on a foggy night in some small town I’ve never been to before and say “Large Marge sent me.”
she has a point
We’ve all been there
“our sushi is very fresh”
me: babe get your finger measured
her: [hopeful] is it for what i think it is?
me: [ordering custom puppets] you’ll see
“Let’s eat, Pappy.”
Not “Let’s eat Pappy.”
Proof grammar saves lives.
I’ll bet cutting out gluten didn’t change your life as much as forgetting birth control changed mine.
You: I’m so hard on myself.
People on the internet: Hold my beer.
Sure, I’m on the keto diet.
The keto my happiness is carbs.
Shout out to the people wondering what the opposite of in is.
I wish booze made me flirty. It just makes me quote Adam Sandler movies
No one is more full of crap than a parent who threatens to take away electronics for a week.
Received a DM from a dude who claimed that he knows me in real life.
I can’t guess out who he is, probably I have to kill my friends until I get him.
[Christmas shopping]
me: I’m looking for a toy for my son
clerk: how old?
me: something new please
When a meteorologist gets angry they storm out
My siblings and I used to fight over food, but we grew up. Then my child would wake from a dead sleep if I opened a candy bar and she also grew up.
Today I’m eating crackers and there is the damn dog staring at me.
it kind of looks like someone just took away their laptop
king arthur: has anyone seen the guy who cuts open everyone’s boils
*knights murmuring*
sir lancelot: I’m here your majesty
I asked my 9 yr old a question 27 min ago.
She’s still answering it.
People who wonder if the glass is half empty or half full miss the point.
The glass is refillable!That 👊
This tweet was written by M. Night Shyamalan.
I bet you didn’t see that one coming.
When comedians die, why does everyone tell them to “make God laugh”? You wouldn’t order a dead carpenter to “make God some bookshelves.”
How to unravel a sweater…
A thread 🧵
ME: my car makes weird whispering noises…also the doors lock by themselves & blood comes out the CD player
MECHANIC: must be the spark plugs