Took me 5 minutes to pick up the soap I dropped in the shower so I hope I never commit a felony.
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I hate these new video games that make you talk to other characters. The fact I hate conversations is the reason I’m playing video games.
One of my coworkers keeps stealing my lunch, so I included my favorite cucumber today. Hope she likes it.
I just found a gray hair and I’m shocked this past year only gave me the one
A mom just told her kids the park is closing so they would leave without throwing fits.
Another mom overheard and said, “Uh-oh, the park is closing! Gotta go!
So I said, “Everyone’s leaving! Let’s follow them out!”
We all winked at each other and got in our cars.
Teamwork.
I make one mistake and my pharmacist now adds “by mouth” on the prescription label.
The police do not like it when you slowly reveal that your attacker was a ghost. They do not appreciate storytelling or showmanship. I know this now.
me at the door waiting for my grubhub chicky wings
I got drunk with my dad once and I asked him if his boner curved to the left too, he replied “No, you got that from your mother”. 🙁
[cat mom giving birth]
Cat dad: Aw, a healthy kit-
WHAT THE, twins!
OMG triplets…holy shit, 4?
(sweating)…5?
WTF IS HAP- 6 *faints*
“I’m hungry. Except for anything you made. There’s no way I’m eating that.”
– Kids
right before u die apple should send you a final screen time report like “you spent 38% of your life looking at your phone” and its the last thing u see before u close your eyes forever , and youre looking at the notification instead of your grandson
Thou shalt not winky face smiley another man’s twitter crush.
-Emojenesis 8:15
a gander reveal party where everyone thinks the invitation had a typo but they get there and it’s just a duck
“How you like dem apples?”
“Just shut up and eat, Frank.”
OPEN UP. THIS IS THE POLICE. THANK YOU. CAN WE USE YOUR BATHROOM
My wife said she enjoys my singing voice so I always sing “We Are The Champions” whenever I win at sex.
*Quietly opens a bag of chips during a job interview
My boyfriend asked for a dirty pic last night, I was able to get my whole kitchen in the shot. That should last him a while! He’s so weird.
If oats can be milk, you can be whatever you want.
Thanks to daylight saving time, my kids now have an extra hour to fight with each other.
Me working remotely from home:
“Sorry I’m late to the Zoom, I got caught up in another *meeting that ran over.”
*moving laundry from washer to dryer
I told my friend he’s a bad thief. He’s not taking it well.
Nobody is more drunk with power than a 6-year-old telling Alexa to do anything.
Friend: Why isn’t your boyfriend here to help bury this heavy carpet?
Me: ….
Sometimes I’ll sign a wedding guestbook with something inspirational:
“1 out of 5 stars: would not recommend”
HR wants to have a little chat about my electric fence.
5: dad is sixty eighty?
me: wtf
5: is today tomorrow?
me: the hell?
5: Saturday Sunday Monday?
me: hey honey, 5 is broken.
Husband:What do you want for Mother’s Day?
Me:I don’t want to have to tell you what I want
Husband:(goes to the store and never comes back)
gf: Daddy
me: don’t call me that it’s creepy
gf: Sorry Baby
me: that’s better
[showing off my distressed jeans]
jeans: AHHHHHHHHHHH