My sister thinks macadamia nuts is an STD.
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“Can I ask you a question?” – my daughter, 73 questions ago
5yo came in, threw his backpack down and said “holy melancholy.”
Me: rough day, buddy?
5: I need a glass of milk. Now.
[farmers market]
me: how much for that pumpkin?
farmer: that’s my son
11 hours into my 13 hour fast and the smell of bacon fills every inch of the house
I’m going for a walk …. a very long walk!
WHY IS A GROUP OF SQUIDS NOT A SQUAD
Life is stupid. You can ACCIDENTALLY make a baby but you can’t ACCIDENTALLY make a cake.
I’m more than tenacious.
I’m elevenacious.
I just flashed a goofy smile at the guy coming out of the bathroom at the coffee place because thought it was my husband. Then, to make it less awkward I said, “sorry you’re not my husband”.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We’re gonna be the only family up there cause I’m looking after the joint.
Who called them accountants and not sumbodies?
<gets on elevator >
Pushes all the buttons
Hugs everyone
Prays out loud that we’re not going to die
Gets off at the 2nd floor
Laughs
Me: I like my whiskey like my marriage
Bar tender: On the rocks?
Me: What? No. Full of coke
Plants: We should trick people into taking us inside and watering us
Plants once we bring them inside: Oh no
“Don’t tread on me.”
– out-of-order sign on a treadmill
I wonder if both Wright Brothers were behind their inventions, or it was just one & their mother yelling “Wilbur, you include your brother!”
I had to send a small item back to Amazon, so I put it in a refrigerator sized box and sent it on its way
God bless the parents who volunteer to coach kids sports because I spent 8 minutes trying to teach just my kid a good batting stance and wanted to torch the whole softball field.
this woman in the target parking lot tossed her mcdonalds bag and drink out of her window but jokes on her she left her window down before going inside so I tossed that shit back in
[first day as a surgeon]
Nurse: you can’t operate on a patient without gloves!
Me: of course. we don’t want his hands getting cold.
Me: *looking at an antique rocking chair* I like this. What do you think? I might get it.
Son: Annnnnd now we’re haunted. Again.
You know it’s a fancy restaurant when you have to point at what you want on the menu because you can’t pronounce the name.
The surgeon who worked on my shoulder said it should feel better in a week to seven days, which makes me worry.
I imagine dinner would almost be cooked by now if I’d remembered to put it in the oven
– a memoir
I hate when I lose an argument and then seventeen years later I think up a witty come back.
My teenager just got mad at me about something he THINKS his brother MIGHT say to him later.
Children are a blessing.
They said she was a cat lady but when I threw her off a small building she didn’t land on her feet and now I’m in jail for murder.
Day 1 of home improvement project: This should take us a week.
Day 7: This should take us 2 weeks.
Day 57: There is no end in sight.
mob boss: i need u take out the rat
[later]
rat: [sets napkin down] the cheese was to die for
me: yes it was
rat: what
[A pair of crocs sitting on a riverbank]
Why do you think people hate us so much?
“Idk. I blame the idiots who wear us with socks.”
me: God?
God: yes my child
me: I need help-
God: ask and thou shall receive
me: -moving into my new apt
God:
me:
God:
me: hello?