Wife: What is twitter?
Me: Hold on a sec, I gotta go to the bathroom. *flushes iphone down toilet*
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help keep the English language alive by teaching your kids nearly outdated expressions
Plus nothing beats a 5yo pointing & yelling “BEHOLD!”
Don’t regret past mistakes. All of your decisions, good and bad, led you to where you are today.
Disregard this if you are in prison.
Batman-
See, kids?
Even one extremely wealthy white male can make a difference.
CDC: money is dirty
Money launderers: this is our time to shine
[taking my date for a walk in the woods]
HER: this sure is a dense forest
ME [trying to impress]: yeah it’s dumb as hell
Why don’t ants get sick?
Because they have antybodies
You know you spend too much time with your kids when there’s Sesame Street music in your head while mentally undressing women.
awkardly looking around the applebees bar & grill for my tidner date whose profile picture is waluigi
Satan’s first act in the bible was to suggest that people eat more fruit.
No wonder we all hate him.
I’m the guy at the gym laying face down on the treadmill telling everyone “I’m ok, I’m ok”
You don’t fully know your own strength until someone tries to pull you onto a dancefloor against your will.
[leans over to kid watching Planet of the Apes in the theatre]
Call them monkeys one more time & see what happens.
Just received an email listing 5 ways to prevent divorce. ‘Don’t get married’ wasn’t on there. Or ‘murder.’ Stupid list.
Whenever someone with a bumper sticker cuts me off I automatically dislike the cause they support. Right now I’m not too fond of Literacy
Friends don’t take videos of friends playing drunk Twister in positions that only gynecologists should ever see.
Yelling at my cat to stop hissing at my other cat, for god’s sake, Milo, we’ve got a pandemic on
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
Why are all the young female protagonists named Cassie or Lexi or Sammie? I’m going to write a book about an adorkable heroine and call her Bertha.
waking up with a headache was not the pounding I was hoping for
Alcohol may not be able to give you a loving hug when you need it but the Liquor Mart employee’s you’re buying it off of sure can.
frog: kiss me, I’m a prince
her: ew gross
frog: you have a problem with frogs?
her: no, with the monarchy
WIFE: you can’t just deep-fry everything
ME: what do you mean?
WIFE: I mean put down the cat
Play The Bee Gees loudly several times a day from your home so that if you have to kill someone the sounds won’t be unusual.
11’s thoughts on tonight’s dinner: “Well, it didn’t make me gag, so I ate it.”
The rewards of motherhood are truly breathtaking.
You wouldn’t believe the number of times I’ve narrowly escaped death as an agent of a covert, black ops squadron. But my nephews would, and that’s why I’m looking forward to Thanksgiving.
Personal Trainer: No pain, no gain
Me: Deal
GUY: Ugh this rice crispy treat is disgusting!
ME: There you go sweetie, it takes 23 oz of sawdust before people won’t eat them anymore.
DAUGHTER: This is going to be the best science fair ever!
i hate you platonically
Considering our obsessions with cats and emojis, the internet really is the new ancient Egypt.
I feel sorry for non-glasses wearers. They’ll never know the joy of cleaning them & suddenly being upgraded to the UHD package.