Him: You’re not like other girls
Me: [foghorn sound]
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Not saying it’s hot, but I’m slow-cooking a meatloaf in the back seat of my car so dinner will be ready when I get home.
[Waiting at the dentist]
*leans over to stranger*
I’ll clean your teeth for half price.
I still cannot believe that we found a crab with these markings at Friday Harbor Labs this summer. We named it “Sad crab” and it now lives happily in a HUUUUUUUGE tank at @MarineBiol_FHL. Sad crab, I stan you.
Pro is good and con is bad, so they should rename the Constitution to Prostitutio-oh, never mind.
*puts you on pedestal*
*vacuums where you were standing*
*takes you off pedestal*
I used to eat a lot of natural foods until I learned that most people die of natural causes.
[at the pearly gates]
I said, “send me a selfie.”
Then she said, “too ugly today.”
So I said, “never stopped you before”
…& here I am.
A plus of getting older is not having to make as much small talk bc half the conversation is spent asking the other person to repeat what they just said
your childhood ends the moment you learn it’s not called “duck tape”
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT NED
NED
50ME MIALS LLDO IONAT
NED
ARE YOU LISTENING TO ME
In grocery store & guy grabs my hand,starts to walk.I go with him, till he turns & realizes I’m not his wife.We broke it off…Single again
New Mom: I bought my kids’ Halloween costumes back in August!
Me: That’s cool. I take my kids shopping on October 31st so they can’t change their minds 800 times.
I’ve taken sex off the table on first dates, much to the relief of everyone else at the restaurant.
Me: can I ask a rhetorical question?
Her: sure
Me: well apparently not
I hope Bitcoin is like Snapchat in that people stop talking about it before I have to learn what it is.
It’s all fun and games until a metal flask falls out of your car in the church parking lot.
Chances of my kid no longer liking their ‘favourite’ snack the day after I bought the Costco size box of it? 210%
A trailer of The Exorcist comes on.
Non parents:
Aargh I can’t look.Parents with kids who don’t sleep:
Ah a film about bedtime
The next man who calls me deluded is going to regret it when he finds me sitting in his house wearing a wedding dress.
My bear’s diarrhoea problems are really starting to worry me. The vet says he’s getting better but he’s not out of the woods yet.
Every morning after I get up, the first thing I do is make my bed.
Tomorrow I’m returning this piece of shit to IKEA.
#HatDadJoke
Me: I wonder why you only oversleep when you have school!
My kid: Mumma that’s because on other days it’s just called sleep.
date: I think we’ve actually met before
picasso: sorry I’m not good with faces
Now she’s falling asleep, and I’m calling a crab.
o: I want a tail
GENIE: ok
α: longer
GENIE: sure
q: LONGER
GENIE: dude
@: perfect
Me: *has cold*
Internet remedies:
-feed it
-deep breaths
-stay active
-fast
-don’t breathe
-suspend yourself in mid air
-click like and subscribe
i’m not getting my boyfriend a PS5 because then i’d have to get ALL my boyfriends a PS5 and that’s just not financially feasible for me rn
My favorite drinks are coffee, whisky & ranch dressing.