I’m the outdoorsy type. I hate being chained to a desk all day, but management say they have no choice until I stop biting my coworkers.
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*shakes the ATM like it’s a vending machine*
I am responsibility with layered up reliability and a slap trustworthiness and dash of loyalty. I’m like a dependable sandwich with a glass of commitment on the side.
I just saved a bundle on future college tuition by finding out my 4 year old wants to be a gum ball when he grows up.
Meat Loaf, Korn, Limp Bizkit, The Cranberries and the Smashing Pumpkins should go on a Thanksgiving Dinner Tour.
Haha! 😂
Cult leader: We need to sacrifice a virgin
[Everyone looks at me wearing cargo shorts]
Me: What?
Me: what I’m saying is I don’t just hungry hippos you. I hungry hungry hippos you.
Priest [whispering to bride]: it’s not too late to do the traditional vows
Awesome parenting 😂
Parenthood has made me so tired that even in my sex dreams, I’m asleep.
[waking up from a nightmare]
Him: Was it the one about zombies again?
Me: *thinking back to the giant unfrosted Pop-tart chasing me* Yes
I bumped into a cute guy today.
I clawed his face off.
I should work on my people skills.
My walk of shame is just me leaving a party trying to hide a Tupperware container of leftover cake under my hoodie.
[lips on a snake]
WIFE: what are you doing?
ME: getting rid of the poison
WIFE: you’re supposed to suck your own bite
SNAKE: leave him alone
Tomorrow I’m going to start using big words to sound smart….Sorry, I meant utilizing gargantuan idioms to simulate intelligence
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
A good friend loves you and supports you, but a really good friend will hand you a block of cheese and then respectfully look away
Can everyone please stop tweeting the clapping emoji it’s making all my lights turn on and off
In the seconds before I die, I hope I’m allowed to correct someone’s grammar.
I’d joined kids karate to crush them; I hadn’t thought of their strength in numbers. They were piling on like Gremlins. This was happening.
Coding: Where incessantly talking to yourself seems completely normal and debugging is like being a detective in a movie where you are both the detective and the perpetrator.
I just went to church and had communion. Ok it was a gas station and I had 2 donuts but I did say a prayer before scratching my lotto ticket
[Date]
Me: So what goes in the bowl first, milk or cereal?
Her: Trick question, I eat pizza for breakfast.
*We just start making out*
my grandpa: i used to take 50 cents to the store & come back with a new pair of shoes but u can’t do that today
me: inflation, right?
my grandpa: security cameras
My favorite thing about single people is how they champion being single till they like someone then they transform into a hypocritcalpotamus
[writing in my journal about the girl I like]
Her hair was soft like really soft hair, her lips surrounded her mouth all the time.
Rules for being a good neighbor:
1. MIND YOUR OWN GODDAMN BUSINESS
2. Don’t forget rule number one.
If Jesus died for our sins then why are there so many popups when i try to watch a movie online illegally
Technically, iPhone chargers are apple juice.
A door was tried in court.
It was an open and shut case.