I wish I could find a job where I got paid as a “breadwinner,” but alas, good things come to those who cake.
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HER: I love the movie The Shining
ME: [trying to impress] same
HER: what’s ur favorite part
ME: [sweating] when it starts to shine
*admires David at the museum* I can’t believe a teenage mutant ninja turtle sculpted this
Barista: name?
Benedict Cumberbatch: Benedict Cumberbatch
Barista [writes “Benedict Cumberbatch”]
Benedict Cumberbatch: holy shit
In order from least to most stressful:
– code works
– code doesn’t work
– code doesn’t work, don’t know why
– code works, don’t know why
I don’t believe in killing perfectly healthy Christmas trees for decorative purposes. When I kill a tree, it’s strictly for pleasure.
BOSS TELLS ME I CAN KISS MY FERRETS AT WORK, BUT NO OPEN MOUTH. I PUNCH THE FLOOR SO HARD HIS SCREEN SAVER DEACTIVATES
You ever wonder what life would be like if you didn’t overthink everything? I think about it all the time
Welcome to your forties. People think you’re a great listener but really you just mastered sleeping with your eyes open.
It’s so disorienting to eat a shrimp and gain it’s memories
[barbershop]
ME: *walks in holding up a wanted poster* hi can you make me look like uhhh not this
[sound of sirens outside getting louder]
*sweating* …quickly
I would have got the Google Glass but I don’t have $1500 or any desire to strap the internet to my face.
I love my in laws but sometimes it’s hard with the language barrier, like today they said they were taking the kids all day and I thought they meant they were taking the kids all day
All of my horoscopes lately have started with “Ok, don’t freak out but…”
Dog: Take me out! I need to poop!
Me: Okay, we’re out, go potty
Dog: My bad. I meant I need to poop tomorrow. Thanks for the walk though
Me: IT’S 2AM!
[baby taking first step]
ME: OMG! He’s doing it!
BABY: My name is Steve and I’m an alcoholic
Thanks Autocorrect, I did want to bang her braids out.
“no animal except humans drinks the milk of another animal” cool, no animal except humans has netflix either, what’s your point
It’s bedtime so naturally my 6 year old is asking how many days we’ll stay alive.
her: i’m going to a concert
me: to see who
her: Bad English
me: sorry, to see whom
My Boyfriend: Why are you so dramatic?
Me: (Getting eaten by a lion)
[ during sex ]
Can we make a food baby? I’m hungry.
I’ve been told in the past that training with cats was difficult. It’s really not. Mine had me trained within a day.
My husband changed his brand of boxers for the first time in 35 years. I feel like I’m having an affair.
Captain: *opens treasure chest* Arrgh! It be just a mirror!
First Mate: Look closely, Cap’n
Captain: *studies* The treasure… is me?
Crew: Happy Birthday, Cap’n!
Captain: *sniff* Yarrr
Legend states that when you’re in the middle of an existential crisis, a child will appear to cry about their sibling looking at them the wrong way
Me: Is anyone gonna eat this?
Them: That’s a baby.
Me: *rolling my eyes* that’s why I asked first.
The absolute CHAOS of this onesie my mom sent us for the baby…
I hate when people say “ the bug is more scare of you than you are of it”. DID THE BUG TELL YOU THAT ?!
My ex just asked if I want to go on holiday with him and my ex mother-in-law and now I don’t need Twitter because I will never stop laughing
Miley Cyrus has her tongue out more than Jabba the Hutt.