Any bar is a karaoke bar if you’re drunk enough.
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We got a dusting of snow here in Michigan. Or as people south of Ohio refer to it: “Death Blizzard 2017.”
Let the bodies hit the floor? Ok but first let me put down some plastic this is new carpet I don’t want to ruin it my mom will be pissed
I tried a onesome before, but I started catching feelings.
I told my 5 year old my birthday was coming up and he asked if we were going to have pizza and a bounce house and now I’m wondering why the hell I’m not.
Me: Ohhh, MARITAL arts workshop…now I really feel stupid in this karate outfit.
Wife to therapist: Do you see what I’m dealing with here?
“Living well is the best revenge.”
Alexa, what is the second best revenge?
Most things in life aren’t free. HOWEVER if you run fast enough, they are.
[amusement park]
me: *arms up, screaming*
cashier: but that is the price
Friend: How long does it take to get there?
Me: About 5 songs.
the flight attendant came down the aisle holding out a bag of trash to me and i was like “sure what the hell” and grabbed a couple pieces
I’m always confused at fancy restaurants. Which spoon do you throw at the screaming toddler?
“Welcome, Mr. Bond.” I say, spinning around on my chair. My elbow catches the glass on the table and spills water all over my death ray.
Amazon lost our order of Altoids and they had to ship another one, so I am experiencing resentmint
Guess we’re having “I don’t know” for dinner again tonight.
#rubbishjokes
What’s black and white and makes a lot of noise?A panda with a set of drums.
I found the worst tweet ever made. It appeared right after I clicked send
I finally bought a set of dumbells.
How long are you supposed to rest in between sets?
Please say 6 weeks.
Date: I enjoy living here, but I do miss West Virginia
Me: *excited* MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Would you please stop doing that every time I say West Virg-
Me: MOUNTAIN MAMMAAAA
Date: Ugh, please just take me home
Me: *ecstatic* COUNTRY ROOOADS
[the last supper]
Waiter: ok, your bill comes to 30 pieces of silver
Judas: I got this
About halfway through my wife’s lecture on how dangerous cutting my own hair was I chopped off my own ears. I’ll never hear the end of it now.
My washing machine shakes so much it moves across the floor and I’m pretty sure it’s trying to escape because I work it too hard
Doctor: This patient needs exercise. Get him a walker. No that’s a zombie I wanted a walk-oh I see what you did there, nurse
[Everyone dies]
With children it’s important to be specific. For example, I told my 5-year-old to sneeze into an elbow. He sneezed into an elbow. My elbow.
“I’m a real hipster.” He said, as his mustache fell off into his cold brew.
is nobodey else concerned that ‘charlottes web’ ends w/ the birth of generations upon generations of hyper-inteligent sentient spider babies
me [after hitting a long shot]: FORE
her: are you serious this is mini golf
me [apologetically]: ᶠᵒʳᵉ
Sharks are so misunderstood. They ONLY eat people’s legs because they want you to transform into a mermaid and be friends with them.
Someone asked me what I was doing this weekend and I panicked at the thought of making plans so I said I was doing my taxes
Don’t worry, Donald Trump will declare bankruptcy and start a new country.
I’m sorry I didn’t respond to you, I was arguing with someone in my head and I can only give my attention to one person at a time.