i like to start most sentences with “as a writer…” because it’s important to me that everyone know i am, at my core, a liar
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These aliens are smart. They only appear to people who don’t know how to operate a camera.
COPS: COME OUT OF THE HOUSE
“I’LL NEVER COME OUT”
COPS: WE WERE TALKING TO YOUR DOG. WE WANT TO PET HIM
me: when the weinermobile goes through the car wash do they take the bun portion off or do they just let it get all soggy
judge: i meant questions about your life sentence
date: I’m sick of bad boys, I want something more
me: *puts Bad Boys 2 into the VCR* this is gunna blow your mind
COP: Do you realize you were speeding back there?
ME: Can you be sure it wasn’t just the planet slowing down?
COP: I’m listening
Women have 9 months to prepare for birth. Paper cuts JUST HAPPEN
up next on house hunters: this couple finally decides to leave the hubbub of the big city to seek eternal serenity inside the heart of a dying star
Got one kid down for a nap, and another woke up. It was like whack a mole nap style.
I just heated up a delicious chocolate brownie and put some ice cream on top of it & sat on the couch to enjoy it.
Seconds later, Catherine asked Samuel if he’d like a bite on MY brownie.
I faked a smile and gave him a bite.
Soon after, she asked him AGAIN.
I have no wife.
My grandfather built his house with his bare hands.
I just groaned after I put my shoes on because now I have to tie them.
I have milk and eggs for breakfast, I just have them in the form of a cookie
Do not worry.
I will take your secrets to my grave.
But, oh, how crowded it will be in the coffin.
me: how can I impress your dad?
gf: he’s really into cars
me: ok
[later]
her dad: nice to meet youme: let’s talk about pixar’s finest movie
Since mask-wearing began, many of us have developed the ability to say “thank you” using only our eyes, as well as a few other phrases that end in “you”
Hedge fund CEO: I lost $3 billion, my company, my home, and now my wife
Me: Have you considered budgeting?
Me: wow this scratch n sniff sticker smells really good
Him: that’s my bandaid
It’s ironic that my sitcom about Abraham Lincoln was shot in front of a live audience.
Me: I’m never getting married again no matter what anybody says.
Her: I made us cheeseburgers.
Me: uh oh.
Parenting is being woken up at midnight to answer “mumma if sharks don’t have bones how do they have skeletons?”
Her: you look great
My brain: say thank you
Anxiety: why does she hate me
Me: I have peanut butter in my hair
me: how much for the cow bras?
salesperson: those are gloves
[Spelling bee]
Moderator: your word is *looks at card and sees Worcestershire* uh-
Contestant:
Moderator: *sweating*
Contestant:
Moderator: forklift
*Looks left*
*Looks right*
*Crosses road*
*Gets run over by chicken*
this recipe says red onions are too spicy for salad
Used a Ouija board as a charcuterie plate and now three people who ate the Brie are dead.
9yo: Mom, do you know where the hairbrush is?
Me: [brushing my hair with a fork] No.
Me (as a doctor): I’m afraid you have very moderately progressing gonorrhea
Patient: what? I don’t understand
Me (starts slow clap)
Keep reaching for the stars but get a better deodorant.
This guy on GMA is thanking God b/c he survived 2 plane crashes. I’m pretty sure “God” is trying to kill him.