If you unfollowed someone because you were pissed off at them but they apologize you should be able to refollow without them getting a notification and thus realizing that you unfollowed.
No reason
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My husband said I talk too much, so we had a nice long chat about that!
It was taking a really long time for the salt shaker to fill up and then I remembered that I’m high.
Pro tip: If he pretends he can’t hear you, talk some shit about his mother.
If you eat well and exercise, you’ll die fit.
A psychologist on a podcast I listen to just said “if you want to be less anxious you need to worry less” so thank god he spent $80k on his PhD because this is absolute gold
“Stomach…Lungs…Kidneys….Heart.” –
Me, at my organ recital.(Not even slightly sorry)
Saw this crow emerge from a dumpster with two-thirds of a whole bagel, and the other crows stopped like they’d seen someone pull the sword from the stone. Gonna ask if they need Merlin.
Einstein was wrong. The real definition of insanity is trying to clean your house when you have children.
I’m sorry I couldn’t get to my blinker in time I’m almost done with this salad
ME: Velma cant see anything without her glasses, so in order to find her glasses, she needs to be wearing them
PRIEST: Those are your vows?
I just ate a piece of carrot cake the size of my head. I feel so healthy.
Physicist: *pounds fist* None of our models predicted this!
Cindy Crawford: What did you expect? My major was Chemical Engineering.
“Want a treat?”
“Is it medicine?”
“It’s peanut butter.”
“Is it medicine?”
“You love peanut butter!”
“ANSWER THE QUESTION, DOUG.”
Remember when the biggest problem we faced was Gangnam Style
one last job
The most embarrassing thing on my phone is my calculator history
[someone says a word I’ve never heard before]
Me: *nods in agreement*
crazy how before dating apps the only way to meet someone was to bump headfirst into them while carrying a huge stack of important papers
wanna know what’s worse than being cheated on? finding out he’s trying to cheat but nobody wants him 😭
ME: And this is my daughter.
HIM: Aww, she’s adorable. Did you name her after the movie?
ME: *Holding my daughter, Air Bud: Golden Receiver* What movie?
{commercial for boats}
Tired of your car not knowing how to swim?
My husband just asked me in the kindest voice if I wanted some water, and I said, “You know, I’d love some water?” And I turned around and he was carrying the dog’s water bowl to her….(Reader, he was not asking me if I wanted water.)
[at funeral]
“it was so sudden”
really?
“yeah right in the middle of rap battle”
I thought you said he died of dysentery
TERRY: That’s right
I’m evidently not allowed to call our impatient billionaire customer “Captain Busypants”
My husband made me a really romantic dinner once. When I finished cleaning the kitchen a week later, I warned him never to do anything like that to me ever again.
[job interview]
“So what would you say is your biggest weakness?”
“I’m pretty bad at reading situations.” *tries to kiss interviewer*
A smoke detector, but with voice recognition, that will turn off when you yell, “I’m just cooking”
Interviewer: What drives you?
Me: The bus mostly
Interviewer: I mean what motivates you to get out of bed in the morning?
M: missing the bus
genie: what is your first wish
me: i wish i could change anyone’s voice
genie: [kermit the frog voice] why
ME: [slowly peeling back sock] It hurts so bad doc, is it gangrene?
DOCTOR: [leaning in with tweezers] Hmm, I see, it appears to be… a red Lego