My dog takes great offense to the fact that we have neighbors
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people who ask you to take your shoes off before you come inside just want to use your socks to clean their floors as you walk. don’t fall for their trap. don’t be a mop.
venmo me $5 and i will find your ex’s hottest photo and start an argument in the comments about new york vs chicago pizza for some reason
*wipes off Chapstick
Weigh me now
NASA: you’ve been selected to spend a year on the space station
ME: wow that’s awesome
NASA: you and your entire family!
ME: oh ok no thanks
Autocorrect just changed ‘so thirsty’ to ‘sloth irate’ and I’m slowly getting angry about it.
I would never feed you to the wolves.
You’re too toxic and I like dogs.
When I see a “How am I driving?” sticker, I want to take the driver in my arms and tell them that I too have questions about my existence
GF: Look, I’m just gonna say it…I can’t see you anymore
ME [wearing my new camouflage suit] lol, that is just awesome
History teaches us that there have always been idiots making life hard for everyone else.
If your smol dog fren beelines for me, running across your yard, do not yell for him. If this is how I die, mauled by a floof, so be it.
Sorry Siri, talking to machines is not for me. I still get tongue-tied at the drive-through.
Him, sweaty from working out: Hey, babe, c’mere
Me: Don’t come any closer while you still have activity juice all over you
“Get your cup off the table” has a whole other meaning when your a baseball mom.
Clients after you give them your rates
I don’t claim to understand the science behind it, but I can absolutely state with one hundred percent certainty that I am playing a key role in the ongoing survival of the human race by making sure that each and every morning, without fail, I put my left shoe on before my right.
I hate it when I finally finish doing the laundry then look up to see my family walking around wearing clothes
THEM: eat shit and die
ME: well, if nobody else wants any
Friend: so drinks later?
Me: oh shit I can’t I’ve got work.
Friend: after 5?
Me: YES, KAREN. I HAVE A LOT ON MY PLATE AND A LOT OF PEOPLE DEPENDING ON ME.
Friend: uh..k?
-LATER-
Me: [playing animal crossing] here’s that apple I promised you, Rex. I told you I’d come through
[Job Interview]
“It says in your CV that you are quick at mathematics. What is 17 X 19?”
“36”
“That’s not even close”
“But it was quick”
A school’s Open House is a great way to find out how many projects you’ll be doing for your kids all year.
I’ve been a single mom for over a year and have not experienced my meet cute for my future husband in the grocery store…wtf
To all newly married guys…..
If you screw up Valentine’s Day, you’ll be celebrating Palm Sunday for a long time.
Firefighter: We have reports of a large fire??
Starbucks employee:
Firefighter: *audible sigh* Can you direct me to the VENTI fire?
Me: *barges into the room*
How dare you accuse me of eavesdropping!
Her: What are you reading?
Me: “Sex and the Single Guy.”
Her: What’s that about?
Me: (Pause) Church architecture.
Was enjoying playing legos with my son until my wife tapped me on the shoulder and said he went outside an hour ago.
‘Do what you want!’ she cried lying back on the bed. ‘I love a man who takes control.’
‘OK’ he said and put her CDs into alphabetical order.
*1941 movie pitch*
“So it’s about an elephant w/big ears and we call him stupid then torture his mother.”
Walt Disney, “I smell a winner.”
“Bigotry”
-an Italian guy describing an oak
“Dad, can you tell me what a solar eclipse is?”
No sun.