Yes, I am a fully grown woman.
No, I won’t leave this ball pit.
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i’ll have the chicken finger platter & my lovely wife will have
*hands over coupon
something of equal or lesser value
*tries hard*
*fails*
*tries flaccid*
[Home Depot]
Me: Trash bags?
Employee: Size?
M: Don’t know. They’re for my wife.
E: A guess?
M: How many gallons is an average size woman?
CNN: President Obama Saves The Life Of A Choking Child.
FOX: Failed President Obama Tries To Take Jobs Away From Hard Working EMS Workers.
Its like grandma said,
You’re not crazy when you sleep
*applies conditioner to my to-do list to make it more manageable*
Hold in my laughter like that? I’d last for 0.1 second
Beatles albums are like “I’m going to give you one of the most soaring, emotional songs you’ve ever heard” and then the next track is like “doo doo doo! Mr Man and his Silly Hat went for a walk!”
whelp that’s enough instagram for today
I like putting my socks on the hot dog spinner at 7-Eleven so they get toasty warm and so that I attract dogs towards me all day long
As a chemistry teacher, Walter White was dedicated to the scientific methhead.
‘we love the sea because it’s where we come from we fear it because we left so long ago’, I say suddenly, startling myself, and the waitress
If I could have dinner with anyone, alive or dead, no question, I would want to be alive.
Bartender: I’m cutting you off. only water from now on
Jesus: [sarcastically] oh no
I want to learn scuba diving but I’m terrified of the orchestral music in underwater documentaries.
INTERVIEWER: under skills you’ve listed “gets jokes” ME: haha, very good. good one sir, haha
Buzzfeed’s 5 Worst Things About Peeing on a Live Power Cable: Number One May Shock You!
Australia. What doesn’t kill you will kill you tomorrow.
FYI, let’s grab coffee is code for “how can I end this conversation as quickly as possible without committing to anything.”
Whenever I hear “let me tell you the truth”, I secretly cross my fingers, hoping they say “brownies are healthy, eat as many as you want.”
“Groundhog” implies the existence of skyhogs, and that’s just frightening.
Honey, can we skip that wedding this weekend?
“What? Why?”
It sounds boring and there’s no way that couple makes it..
“It’s OUR wedding!”
These covid masks work wonders for us butterfaces.
Me: You know what they say, “sticks and stones may break my bones-“
Doctor: Yes that’s exactly what happened.
*locks hands with stranger in elevator*
im nervous, this is my first time flying
Seat cushions are the original stool softeners
no i didn’t do “research” to formulate my opinions. are u insane? they came to me in a vision
I don’t know why we traded horses for cars. Your car won’t stop in front of a river and be like, “no way dumbass, we aren’t going to make that.”
Creamy peanut butter is the best because it’s the only thing holding this car together.