Current situation: laying in bed trying to manifest breakfast
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When, in the future, someone says “remember when we did that thing and had the most amazing time?” and you struggle to remember what year it happened…
One thing you can be sure of is that it didn’t happen in 2020
Missing area man described as boringly conventional, was easily found by multiplying height x width.
winter should be a week maybe two. ride the high of the holidays and go out with a bang— this whole overstaying its welcome thing is a bad look
Don’t get mad. Get windchimes.
[on a date with a caribou as a favor to my sister]
me: so…did you like the movie?
caribou: *knocks over candy display & tramples 3 kids*
ME: If you won a gold medal you’d wear it all the time too
FRIEND: Ok but that’s a parking ticket
After the “incident” at the family cabin, my Indian name is Bounces Off Deck.
The minute the pilot asked me for “a lil’ help?” spinning one of the plane’s front propellers, I knew I was a little too thrifty planning the family vacation.
*couple’s marriage begins to fall apart*
*marriage counselor blows on them like an N64 cartridge*Okay how about now
People with FB statuses like, “I’m so angry right now”, then when someone says, “What’s up?” they reply, “I’ll text you.” WHAT ABOUT US?
Social media is perfect when you’re feeling sorry for yourself and your desire is to feel worse.
How often do I make chemistry jokes? Periodically.
I actually told one the other day. There was no reaction…
Cop: Tell me again why you pulled out scissors and gave her bangs.
Me: She was flirting with a hot dad that I had my eye on.
Useful cooking directions would read: remove package from garbage, read instructions, repeat
If it walks like a duck and it looks like a duck, the chances are she’s practising for her next selfie
Came inside from a run and my 12 y/o daughter told me I was going to lose my hearing because my headphones were too loud, then I told her she didn’t understand me and slammed my bedroom door so her transformation into her Grandma could be complete.
Robber: Give me your valuables
Me: *hands him piece of paper*
Robber: What’s this?
Me: My Netflix password.
My signature move is asking a co-worker wearing a suit on dress down Fridays, “how did the job interview go?” in front of everyone.
In Bakersfield, California, it is illegal to have sex with Satan without a condom.
My computer crashed and now all the other computers have slowed down so they can see what’s happening.
me: i just love traveling!
my basketball coach: that’s what i want to talk to you about
It’s bad when the hackers try to return your stolen identity.
Seems to me the guy who named sneakers was up to no good.
My Rice Krispies were speaking in tongues this morning, so I’m pretty sure the end days are near.
If I knew you in high school and your Facebook profile picture is a baby I’ll assume you’re Benjamin Button and unfriend you.
[Voter registration]
Me: I just really need to be aligned with people who represent me and my ideals
Them: ma’am there is no “Antisocial Party”
If you stare at your face in the back of a spoon you look a lot like someone who doesn’t know how to use cutlery
Me high af: are you in line?
Mannequin:
We should just put the White House on airbnb for 3 million a weekend.
HR: Can you explain the recent unemployment in your resume?
Me: Yes, that was a period of time when I was not working. But guess what?
HR: What?
Me: You can fix that right here, right now