It’s when I saw the children playing with their toys completely wrong that I knew I had to step in
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looks like the dishwasher has a nice side hustle going
“Don’t ask.”
– someone who is absolutely dying for you to ask
I think it’s cool when websites don’t show what a shirt looks like on a person. Wow it looks great folded up floating in the Great Void, that’s exactly how I am going to wear it.
Horror movies have given me an unrealistic expectation about finding an armoire with a false back where a ghost lives.
{On Tinder}
ADAM: *Swipes right*
EVE: *Swipes left*
GOD [clears throat and presses intercom]: Eve can i have a word with you please
You can tell a lot about a person by how many pet possums they have.
Real life dad college courses
Garage law
Power nap philosophy
Nosy neighbor studies
Barbecue physics
Zipper theory of merging traffic
Thermostat dynamics
Why is it called an intermittent cell phone signal and not barhopping?
Feng shui consultant: The refrigerator shouldn’t be next to the couch.
Me: You’re fired.
me: I was mugged by a snake
cop: was he armed?
me: *long pause* no
why do mums always tell u stuff then say “don’t go posting anything on facebook” hun i haven’t posted anything since 2002 i highly doubt my comeback post is gonna be surrounding Sandra’s divorce
Going to get a facial today… this guy on Craigslist is offering a way lower price than the salon!
BUILDING INSPECTOR: Well, you say you’ve kept everything up to code, but I’ve been speaking with your 4 year old and he informed me the floor is actually lava, which—I don’t need to tell you—is a pretty serious safety violation.
I wonder if the guy who came up with the term “One Hit Wonder” came up with any other phrases.
i think i’m too much of a lesbian at this point. i was doing the crossword this morning and the clue was “Suck it!” and i had STRA_…my mind, uh, did not go to “straw”
Hard not to take this personally
*orders large pizza*
*opens box*
“Let’s do this…wait”
“Safety first,” I whisper as I unbutton my jeans.
Cat: HUMAN IS TIME 2 DO A NEGOTIATE
Me: ok
Cat: IF U LET CAT EAT JUST ONE PLASTIC CAT WILL PROTECT U FROM SPIDERS
Me: I’m sorry but you can’t eat plastic, it’s really bad for you
Cat: FINE. U AM CHOOSE WAR
Me:
Cat:
Me: where are you going
Cat: MAKE ALLIANCE WITH SPIDERS
The transplant surgeon was almost at the hospital when he realized that home was where the heart was.
Me: Did you know a cockroach can live for weeks with no head?
Him: That’s nothing. Husbands sometimes go for years.
My trainer says not to drink beer bc it makes you fat.
So tonight I’ve had a six pack of red wine.
[contacting you by Ouija board after murdering you]
AND ANOTHER THING
Them: What’s your writing process like?
Me: Pretty intense. Very solitary. Organized. Inspired.
My writing process:
[kitchen]
“Please pass the bee-nut butte-”
*wife glares*
“-the honey”
Just did my taxes. Put $420.69 on every line and 5 IRS agents just showed up at my door with a keg, 3 strippers and giant foam fingers.
By the age of 30 you should have a collection of grocery bags that you store in a grocery bag.
HER: *spitting out food* This is GROSS! What did you put in this?
ME: Old Spice. Just like you said to.
HER: I said ALL spice, you idiot!
Her: When I said a night guard I meant one of those things that protects your teeth overnight.
Me: *removes samurai helmet* Oh.
[phone rings]
Mum: your grandad isn’t well. I’m afraid he’s on his deathbed
Me: well tell him to get in a different bed then
Watching a Canadian stream, I just saw an ad for “OK Tire”. That’s the kind of business I want to buy from, one where I’m 75% sure the tires won’t just explode on the highway.