What if your dog speaks French and this whole time has been asking you for some beef?
You Might Also Like
life hack: DO NOT TRY TO CUT CHERRY TOMATOES IN HALF WITH YOUR FOOD SCISSORS
Relationship Status:
My Christmas tree and I are sharing a large bottle of water.
A sip for you, a sip for me.
*Buys something from Amazon
*Tracks package from Amazon
*Gets delivery from Amazon
Me)I wonder what this is
When I said ‘You can’t buy my love.’
I meant with your salary.
We are being punished for our hubris, for building entire factories dedicated to nothing but cheesecake.
Me: So you were stuck in Limbo? What was that like?
Spirit: Not too bad, really. It was better than that time I got stuck in a conga line.
How to parallel park:
1) Park somewhere else.
I need real life DIY youtube videos. I want to see the guy start to explain then be like “oh shit I forgot this part” or “dammit I got the wrong thing!” And drive to Lowe’s 47 times. Don’t give me that 4 min video Dave. We all know it took you 13 hours.
Been dating this guy for 4 months and today he asked me why I don’t have a boyfriend. ☹️☹️
Whenever I see a celebrity photobomb, I’m like, that’s so relatable. I too constantly ruin moments and think I’m more fun than I actually am
therapist: and what motivation will we use ?
me: hate fueled spite ?
therapist: no
Moment of silence for those who received mugs that aren’t microwave and dishwasher safe
I’m going to be embalmed the old-fashioned way.
Bourbon.
I’m just saying, if an oven can clean itself, why can’t a microwave?
Me to my 10 yo: Why is your Roblox character so little? You look like a baby.
Her: Other people in the game think I’m cute so they pick me up and take me to their house then I rob them and run away.
Me:
Sorry folks, Twitter’s broken. Moose out front should have told you.
@isabelzawtun @UncleDuke1969 I had a customer tell me that wanted 50% off an item because of a sign. The sign clearly stated which product was 50% off, which I pointed out. Her response was “what If I couldn’t read?”
I literally had to just walk away.
When I die, before I’m cremated, fill me with popcorn kernels for one last laugh.
Pac Man is my favourite video game about my life.
It keeps getting harder and I can’t stop eating everything in sight.
[on a test drive]
Me: Haha the heated seat feels like I peed my pants!
Dealer: This car doesn’t have heated seats.
Me: Does it have napkins?
i wish there were off brand cars like “hey man check out my new Toyoga Dakota”
Me: *singing*
Teen son: *Grabbing car door handle* “If you don’t stop, I swear to God I’m jumping out!”
He was driving.
The workers will arrive to install something in the kitchen. Let that sink in.
Imagine having a day like Jim Carrey in Liar Liar where you’re incapable of lying. I bet you’d all stay off Twitter for the day?
“I could really use a side piece” was a phrase I uttered that didn’t help my jigsaw puzzle or my marriage.
How do you stop a rhino from charging?
You take away its USB cable.
“It’s a bird! It’s a plane! It’s Superman!”
“Nope.”
“A spider? An aardvark?”
“Wrong. It’s a horse.”
“Wow. You can’t draw for shit.”
“I’d hit that!” -Helpful blackjack dealer
What was the first thing you remember seeing on TV that made you cry? (I mean a scripted show, not a news report.)