People: why do dogs bark at the mail man every single day
Dogs: the mailman has literally never gotten in how do you not see what I’m doing
You Might Also Like
Why doesn’t The Rock just tell us what he’s cooking? I can’t pair wines like this.
technically you can breathe anything just not very long for some things
[stewardess]
“Sir, even if you ARE, as you say, the REAL Slim Shady- the captain has asked for all passengers to remain seated at this time”
*to woman next to me in yoga*
how do you get the mat to stop curling back up
Guys guide to AC levels in car with spouse:
If you’re hot, she’s cold
If you’re comfortable, she’s cold
If you’re cold, she’s not in the car
Women’s skincare is so confusing am I supposed to look shiny and sweaty or matte like cement
How bold of you to assume I care, I tell my aloe plant who’s wife just cheated on him (allegedly).
too many boring kid names like “chris” and “logan” if i had a kid i’d name him something badass like “the shovel”
Disney uses 1-ply toilet paper, so let’s stop with all the “happiest place on earth” lies
I want to have the kind of hope my dog has when the kids walk around eating chips.
Go see American Sniper. Or go to your buddy’s house and watch him play Call of Duty for two hours
*putting a top hat on my dog*
Dog: *thinking* Like I don’t already have enough reasons to kill you in your sleep.
u guys got any snacks onboard here
my child dressed himself up as a police car. no not a police officer, a police car
I love how people say ‘walk before you run’ like I’m going to be running at some point.
Autocorrect says I am currently: all out of ducks to give, most of you are full of shot, twitter is overrun by aunts and life is a birch
When people ask me if I’m working hard or hardly working, I wanna punch them in the face and ask if they’re hurting hard or hardly hurting.
my mother, staring down at my open casket: is that what you’re wearing
Jokes on you, I still have a stockpile of toilet paper from the Mayan Calendar Apocalypse.
Alright…who left me unsupervised again?
Oh well thank you for narrowing it down for me there
My friend is mad at me because I saw her using a huge tablet to make a call so I offered her a gas cylinder to light her cigarette..
The best way to get your kid to play with 800 toys at once is to tell then you’re going to donate them to charity.
Me to my daughter who is in the swimming pool: I have some water if you need some.
Daughter: *looks around* I have plenty. Thanks.
Her: but why aren’t the candles ON the cake?
Me: it’s not a birthday cake, Denise. it’s a summoning tart.
The city I live in has the highest rate of stalkings in Canada. I told a girl at the grocery store this. Then I told her at the gym.
Benjamin Button
Started off dead
Violets are blue
Roses are red
The hunt for apples and oranges on tinder was the biggest disaster of my life. Mission failed: we’ll get em next time.
*Extremely unpredictable killing machine is discovered*
Every bad guy in an action movie: We should CONTROL it and WEAPONIZE it