Spider: Why are you terrified by me?
Me: Well the reasons I had have all now been replaced by the fact you can talk.
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Costco ….
Because you never know when your
aquarium could explode ….and you really need those 96 rolls
of paper towels.
PeeWee’s Playhouse gave me very unrealistic expectations of how much fun I would have with my furniture
If I had known what cleaning a toilet is like with a husband and two sons I would’ve become a lesbian.
It’s beginning to cost a lot like Christmas.
Wife: I’m leaving you
Me: is it because I won’t stop quoting Spice Girls lyrics?
Wife:
Me: please, just tell me what you want what you really really want
Hot singles over 40 in your area are curious what you use for joint pain and inflammation.
… and be generous with the lollipops
– me holding up a bank
[talking to bouncer]
Me:let me in
Bouncer: not after last time
Me:would a Washington convince you?
Bouncer: no
George Washington: c’mon man
Great shoulder tattoo. I bet butterflies are really significant to you and have shaped you into the person you are today, right?
Responding to a question from your wife with interpretive dance tends to raise more questions than it answers.
So You Think You Can Peel A Kiwi
So Torchwood, the Who spinoff, is notably an anagram of Doctor Who, so obviously this must be the rule for all subsequent spinoffs. I’m now going to pitch my show “Hoot Crowd” about a large group of time-travelling owls.
Wedding invites are always like: we reserved a block of hotel rooms at a discounted rate of $3,000 a night so book soon! No kids so please leave them at home or in the car. Also the closest airport is 4 hours away. Can’t wait to celebrate our love with you!
Did a collab with the legend @shenanigansen
Reasons to keep spiders around
1. Eat flying insects
2. Occasional source of protein during sleep
3. We make rad webs
4. They do i mean they
Chopsticks are perfect for when you want to drop your food twice on its way to your mouth.
So basically what I’m saying is that Face Off is misleading and the movie should be called Ha Ha Got Your Face FBI Man
“Can I speak to your manager please?”
“I AM the manager”
Her: Why don’t you ever discuss politics with me?
Me: Because I respect your right to be wrong.
8: *reading about the universe* How do stars die?
Me: Mostly old age. Sometimes an overdose, sometimes a pickled liver.
my husband, who did not grow up with dogs, just came to me very worried because the dog is not eating her food, but is begging for his, so “something must be wrong with her food, she’s clearly hungry but only wants mine”
UK Scientist: We’ve engineered a new species of cyanobacteria
U.S. scientist: We’ve made pigs in a blanket 50% piggier
I had to drop off a fecal sample for my cat and the vet gave me a form. The last question was, “Do you want your container back?”
I saved time doing yard work by renaming the weeds “plants”
Why did the baker stop making donuts?
Because he was bored with the hole business.
Always strange when the wolves decide to raise you rather than to eat you.
I saw a clown doing sit-ups. Funny how things work out.
Yeah sex is pretty good but have you ever successfully started a conga line?