Congratulations to the sweater, another year of being the most disgustingly named piece of clothing.
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? 馃拃
Dang I didn’t make it to the gym today! That makes 5 years in a row
I don’t talk about my ex’s because I like to start of with a clean slate. That, and they’re dead to me. Well, to everyone, but mostly me.
me: *finally catching up financially*
the brakes on my car: hehe
*puts up baby gates all around the outside of my house*
There. That should keep ’em out.
Dear women who just gave birth,
Stop naming your child ‘Khalessi’.
Sincerely,
The rest of the human race
I鈥檝e started dating myself exclusively but it鈥檚 not working out
Pictionary is the perfect game to play whenever you need an excuse to punch your friend in the face.
Me: Don’t forget…measure twice, cut once
Surgeon, to nurse: Why is he awake?
It’s so nice that Girl Scout Cookies come in single serving packages.
Using Romeo & Juliet to express how inlove you are is like using Hamlet to show how close and well adjusted your family life is.
I picked up carry-out and the guy asked if I wanted to leave a tip.
Yeah. Offer delivery.
*Relationship status*
Me: I’m heading off now.
Wife: Yayyy.
I tried to make a smoothie for lunch. Apparently, three frozen pizzas will break a juicer.
if you get caught speeding and a cop asks you “where’s the fire” you can just make up an address. they don’t have a list of current fires.
My wife and I are taking my son up to a little hotel in Colorado this Christmas. Probably gonna get some writing done. We鈥檙e gonna be the only family up there cause I鈥檓 looking after the joint.
Me: Look. There’s a deer.
Hunter: Don’t spook it.
Me: *slowly stuffing a werewolf mask back into my backpack*
Youtube cooking video: and you can add a little of this if you have some lying around
Me: I promise you I do not
(Seeing an old friend) do you still have your birthday at mcdonalds
This Valentines, tell them what you actually think of them 馃挄
It鈥檚 cute when I put everything back where it belongs, and my family thinks I rearranged the house.
Any 4 pics of Alan Rickman together looks like an amazing 80鈥檚 new wave band you wish existed.
It’s only a problem if others know about it….
*Sweeps problems under rug*
Most of my upper body strength comes from trying to push a grocery cart through the store with 3 kids hanging on it.
I cleaned out* the fridge last night** and I feel so much better about myself***.
*raided
**five minutes ago
***like a balloon about to pop
Once again, I have waited till the very last minute to do Christmas shopping. Today I shall battle my fellow procrastinators at the mall. “Here are some socks and underwear kids. I had to shank a woman For these”
When my kids don鈥檛 feel well: You should drink water.
When I don鈥檛 feel well: I should eat chips.
Why is judge the only job where you can bang a little hammer to make people shut up I鈥檝e needed that in literally every job I鈥檝e had
I hope you never have to experience the loss of a child. Lotta paperwork.
[telling a scary story to a group of moths] and when she opened the door..[holds flashlight to face] she- AH GET OFF OF ME YOU GUYS