GUY: my new boss is gay
ME: my new bed sheets are warm
GUY: [clearly frustrated] what does that have to do with anything?
ME: exactly
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If my yogurt drink which included “billions of live and active cultures” expired three days ago, did I just have a mass funeral in my belly?
“even if my client did kill his wife, think of the 7.4 billion people he DIDN’T kill.”
– my first and last day as a defense attorney
It’s never Hey Josh, you look great in orange; it’s always Hey Josh, I’m Daryl your court appointed attorney
Batman
Pros: Intelligence, strategist, master fighter, money, Shit shaped like bats, Alfred
Cons: Robin
Going to start a band called The Subtweets. All songs will contain cryptic lyrics that incite paranoia in the crowd.
Boss to staff: “What incentives would make you work harder?”
Staff member: “Bonus!”
Boss: “I’m not boning any of you.”
I ordered a pair of shoes delivered to my house. I’m too excited to wait at home so I’m camping out at the end of my street. Send snacks?
Accidentally cut myself while slicing a mango and now I’m a weremango
Why is called the Vatican and not Holywood?
#WorstWaysToStartALoveLetter
What started as a simple prostate exam, has blossomed into something special…
Son: daddy I drew a dinosaur
Me *looking at the drawing*: no you didn’t
Me: You better eat your vegetables
My kid: but why
Me: they are good for you , they make your eyes brighter and skin glow
My kid (takes a hard look at me): I don’t think that’s true
Being a parent is having your kid say “I went to school today and I didn’t even lose my donkey” and you know exactly what they mean
It’s the last month of school, here are 97 activities in the middle of the day parents need to attend.
-elementary schools
My inside joke with my boyfriend is that every time he thinks a tweet is about him, I’m like, “it’s not about you, it’s about my other boyfriend!!!” And my inside joke with my other boyfriend is exactly the same
If you love someone set them on fire. Did I get that right? Oh god what have I done. It’s SET THEM FREE isn’t it? Sorry burning loved one.
I’m not saying I know how to solve all the world’s problems.
I’m just saying we should give women pants with pockets and see what happens.
motivation
Egyptians did pretty well for a civilization that wrote entirely in emoji.
*bird watching*
Me: “Is that a Dark Blue Wrangler up there in that tree?”
Friend: “A Dark Blue Warbler? Never even heard of that. Where?”
*I point to where I saw it, but it’s too late. The pair of jeans has already been spooked, and majestically flies off into the sunset.*
My forgiveness comes with the price of never forgetting.
He just always looks at me like I’ve wronged him
I looked at bright side once and it gave me the finger.
If you are single, just be patient. Your soulmate is almost done with their divorce papers 😉
Lawyer: so tell me, why was my client’s mouth bleeding?
Dentist: he doesn’t floss
Me: You hit me!
D: [puts lips on mic] bc you don’t floss
Person: Why are you in a wheelchair?
Me [from my wheelchair]: I asked too many questions.
Border Patrol never did chase down that illegal baby food smuggler from Mexico. I heard he was so fast they nicknamed him Formula Juan.
Desperately searching the dating app settings for an option to turn down the difficulty level.
I wish I had half the determination and persistence of Adobe reader updater.