The 6 types of sex
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Skywritten letters:
SUSAN I DON’T HAVE A LOT OF MONEY FOR THIS WRITING BUT THIS IS HOW I WANTED TO PROPOSE; WILL YOU MAR
2: What’s for dinner?
Me: Pork, rice and peas.
2: No, what’s for MY dinner?
Me: That is YOUR dinner.
2: Then what am I going to eat?
Me: I just told you.
2: But I’m hungry!
I’m a bit concerned about my delivery driver
Remembering my youth, and a time where I could breath out of more than one nostril at once.
“How’d that happen, Bill?”
“I don’t know.”
“Really?”
“Yeah, I’m just stumped.”
Therapist: *holding up a stack of cards* look at these ink blots and tell me the first thing that pops into your head.
Squid: danger, predator, escape, fear of death, danger, my mother-in-law, danger.
Therapist: still on the first card.
Most people getting out of an Uber: “thanks”
Midwesterner getting out of an Uber: “Good luck with your custody battle! There’s no way the courts won’t be able to see what an amazing mother you are! You stay strong Amber…I love you!”
Me: Are you still wearing pajamas? Go change.
4yo: *Goes upstairs
*Comes down wearing different pair of pajamas
Cashier: Next
Me: Why are these fingerless gloves full price?
Cashier: Oh shit it’s you again
[texting]
her: 🍆+🍑
me: *shows up with eggplant parmesan and peach pie*
her: YES!!!!
That awkward moment when mom says 3 is the perfect number of kids to have, but you’re her 4th
[flirting with Jesus]
So…is there a queen of the Jews
Forcibly removed from the bowling alley for throwing overhand again
When someone asks you to hold their pet hand grenade, be skeptical. It may be a trick.
I always go swimming with a spoon in case I need to defend myself from a jellyfish.
58.
5: There’s a werewolf in my closet.
Me: Nah. Werewolves don’t live in closets.
5: Where do werewolves live?
Me: Um…warehouses.
Cop: First name please…
“Frida”
Cop: Last name…
“Gomam”
Cop: You’re Frida Gomam?
*peels out*
Cop: Nice, nice
*Starts new job*
Co-worker: Hello
Me: How much was yo first check? 🧐😂
When people are making out in public make things even more awkward by applying chapstick and announcing you’re next
Truthfully officer, I wouldn’t have pulled over, if I known all you were gonna do is complain about my driving..
Has anyone seen my gender reveal balloon?
“What’s taking the pharmacist so long? It’s just one prescription”
*behind the counter the pharmacist is sinking in quicksand and screaming*
Bat 1: Do you ever think God made us blind so that we may see the world for what it truly is?
Bat 2: (startled) who said that
Are dog catching nets real or just lies taught to us by Big Cartoon
Stop screaming at me like you’re the only one who realizes our kitchen is on fire. The arrogance.
I have also decided to not buy Twitter.
Name a cuter carnivore than a penguin. I’ll wait.
Excluding leopards sleeping high in tree branches. Or fossa. And meerkats, obviously.
Okay so name an aquatic carnivore that’s cuter. Ha! You can’t. Except maybe otters and baby sea turtles I guess, you know what, forget it.