I’m not saying I want a divorce, it’s just that sometimes 50% custody sounds pretty appealing.
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What’s the statute of limitations when you think of a comeback for an insult? Please say 17 years.
I’m sorry, sir, but your cholesterol isn’t high enough to buy this Hawaiian shirt.
monster under my bed: I’m gonna eat you
me: [pulls covers over head] your move
Tonight: softball
Tomorrow: Advil
One way to tell if a funeral home is not very good is if they send your loved one’s cremated ashes to someone else by mistake. That’s a dead giveaway.
“conference” comes from the Latin “con” meaning “together with” and “ference” meaning “the worst people on earth”
I tell my kids that thunder means God is shouting; rain means God is crying; and lightning means God is killing Luke Skywalker.
Sometimes I put my workout gear on and watch tv because it’s the thought that counts.
Karen: Are we ok?
Me: [removes earbud] Yes.
Karen: It’s just that you named a Spotify playlist “LET’S GET DIVORCED”
My daughter labeled me BIRTH GIVER in her phone. I’m thinking about labeling her THANKS FOR WHAT YOU DID TO MY BODY.
Bookternity leave should be a thing. Like maternity leave but for when you have new books to read
Jogging has never helped my memory.
My husband came home with pizza sauce on his collar and no pizza and now I know what it’s like to be cheated on.
Stop saying I’m not a nice person, I have a pillow in my trunk.
interviewer: this part of your resume just says “entrepreneurial spirit”?
me: [remembering my get-rich-quick scheme of catching rats in the street and trying to return them to the pet store] it was an idea ahead of its time
“Excuse me, waiter? Can I get a doggy bag”
“Sorry ma’am, we only have Doge bags.”
Much leftovers
So pasta
Very taking home
Wow reheat at 350
I am going to miss shaking hands after sex.
My daughter kept saying the new puppies name over and over again only pausing to take breaths. I finally had to tell her “if that thing doesn’t bite you I’m going to” this is how we summer
imagime if introverts were as aggresive to extroverts as extroverts r to introverts
“why do u hav to socialize”
“why dont u stay in”
“loser”
Today:
– do what I bloody well please
– hurl insults in iambic pentameter
– sexy bacon eating
– ale
– archery
– ladies
– enjoy the little things (like violent mood swings)
– pies
You: Be kind. Everyone you meet is fighting a battle you know nothing about.
Me, wearing a shirt that says “I am battling the moon and it is not a secret”: Ok.
[in deep space]
Everyone: [in hypersleep]
Me: [wakes up every few hours to pee]
Sober me: I hate drunk people
Me after first drink: WHERE MY DRUNK PEOPLE AT
Welcome to Condescending Club. Even an idiot would know the 1st rule. If not, you want paaaatronizing club. You know what that is, riiiight?
[spills whole tub of salsa on cat]
Oh dang
[grabs chip]
Hold still
[cat starts running away]
I SAID HOLD STILL
Hey if a public bathroom door is locked don’t forget to try to repeatedly open it and give the person using it paralyzing anxiety
I answer my front door in my coat, if it’s someone I want to see I say I’ve just got in and if it’s someone I really don’t want to see I say I was just on my way out, works every time.
DETECTIVE: what do you think killed these two birds?
ME: [picking up the only stone near their bodies] idk maybe the bird flu.
1 Ring to rule them all, 1 Ring to find them, 1 Ring to bring them all & in the darkness bind them. 3 rings to let Mum know you’re home safe
Sometimes I loiter outside of Victoria’s Secret just so people think I have a girlfriend.