Someone on Facebook sent me an invite to their Fall Tupperware party. The only way I’m going is if they’re full of food.
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Personal trainer said we’re going to try some dips today.
I brought hot salsa and tangy cheese. He hates me.
Just said “finger bang” instead of “finger guns” and this is why I shouldn’t ever be allowed to speak in public.
no!! no!!!!!!
I am an influencer.
If you aren’t influenced in any way, that is on you.
Do better.
The reason we are all so obsessed with finding Kate Middleton is because we grew up with Super Mario Bros and were literally trained to save the princess
The doctor should ask how often you miss your mouth entirely when drinking
[uses Ant-Man tech to carry around a bunch of dogs in my pocket]
‘Christ on a bike’, ‘Jesus is my co-pilot’, ‘Jesus take the wheel’ – stop making an iron age carpenter operate complex machinery
Optimist: The glass is ½ full.
Pessimist: The glass is ½ empty.
Excel: The glass is January 2nd.
Addiction therapist: You’ve tweeted 36k tweets in a year.
Me: Yeah, so?
Therapist: What are you paying me for?
Me: Material.
Therapist: …
What if Canada is just like 100 dudes faking a country like that scene in Home Alone where Kevin fakes the party?
astrology is complicated but asking someone what their sign is and then responding with “yeah, that makes total sense” is super duper easy
“Hey baby, what dat mouff do?”
It eats. It eats a lot. That’s what.
Just tore seven ligaments trying to avoid being handed the phone by my wife.
My Girlfriend says I have a tendency to get ahead of myself.
Well she’s not my girlfriend yet….
Dad’s jean shorts in the 80’s were one move away from being the Basic Instinct scene
Her: I like guys that are confident
Me *looking her square in the eye* worcestershire
Sometimes I think about when I was at an event when I was 20 and I asked this guy to dance and he said after I eat my cake. After he finished that piece he went back for another piece…and another. He just kept eating cake. So. Much. Cake. I’m still waiting on that dance.
The first time I threatened to “turn this car around!” we’d just left the park and were heading home. The kids cheered. It was a rookie dad move and I still haven’t fully recovered.
Even my imaginary friend got bored and left me a note saying ‘we should see other people’
I would’ve thrown a coin in the water fountain and wished for all the money in it, but I just waited ’til it was dark instead.
Cashier: And how are you today?
Me: Incandescent with rage. You?
Of course my kids are well mannered because when I tell them things like get ready for bed, they politely ask me “Did mommy say that?”
Using my invisible hula hoop really freaks people out.
As a child I thought that growing up I’d be challenged to rap battles way more often than has actually happened.
“It’s Christmas Eve, not Christmas Steve.” -confused homophobe
“So how did you get into Classical Music?”
Me:
I got a T-shirt with an Ouija board printed on the back and now I get free massages from superstitious people.
Avalanches won my recent poll of the world’s favourite natural disasters, by a landslide.